Archive for August, 2012


When I say Girly Magazines I am referring to magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour, but also magazines like Maxim. They are screwing with our brains! I read the headlines of these magazines while I am in line at the grocery store and roll my eyes every time.

 

 

“14 Things Your Man Wishes You Would Do In Bed”

“How You Can Lose 2 Inches Off Your Waist By Saturday”

“What Kim Kardashian Likes In The Bedroom”

Here are the answers respectfully…..

-Blow Jobs (X14)

-Stop eating so much shit and move your ass

-Professional, rich, handsome athletes

Do we really need a magazine to tell us these things? Do we honestly believe these things?

Random Sex Advice: The inside of the elbow may be an erogenous zone with regards to nerve endings, but that doesn’t mean your boyfriend wants you to spend time there. I have said it before, I will say it again… It is not hard to please a man. He wants-

1. Sex (preferably more often)

2. BJ’s

3. A little enthusiasm (a little goes a long way)

I don’t think we need sexperts for this.

Fitness Advice: Now I do think there is a place for tips on what to eat, exercises to do, and the latest research. Absolutely! What is stupid are the headlines to get you to buy the magazine. There is no secret to weight loss, there is no new diet that has the answer, there is no way to dramatically change your body without hard work, discipline, and sweat. You will not lose a dress size by the weekend, you will not lose 7 pounds in 7 days (unless you are on the biggest loser).

Mens Magazines: I will admit, I do enjoy reading Maxim a little bit. It’s funny. However, it’s like the cosmo for men. What makes me laugh is the insight into the minds of hot celeb women. If you think for one second that what they say is really what they think, you’re crazy. These women are saying what they think men want to hear. It sells magazines, it maintains their sex symbol status. Maybe you guys need to spend less time looking at airbrushed celebrities that you could never get, and spend a little more time appreciating what you have in your wife/girlfriend. Bottom line, Eva Mendes is NOT going to sleep with you. Your wife might (if she’s reading 50 shades of grey).

I’m not slamming all magazines, or saying there is not good content occasionally. I actually hope I’ll be published in one some day. What I want us to do is to take it all with a grain of salt. Take what you can, ignore the bullshit, and don’t compare yourself to people who are professionally good-looking.

 

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I feel bad about my boobs

This is kind of a Nora Ephron themed blog. The late-great writer wrote a book called ‘I feel bad about my neck’. Well, I’m 30 so I feel okay about my neck, but I do have other issues.

1. I feel bad about my boobs: When did I become someone who buys bras at Kohl’s? You know those commercials with the 18 hour bras? That has some how become my life. Cute push up bras with lace? Yeah….those are adorable as I stand perfectly still in front of a mirror in the dressing room. Bend forward 30 degrees and I’m no longer IN the bra. It’s depressing. I walk around kind of wanting to punch high school girls in the face.

2. I feel bad about my stomach: Most of you moms out there can feel my pain here (those of you that can’t- can suck it). But, after you have a baby, your stomach just isn’t the same. Yes, I could work out like a maniac and eat perfect, but I would still have extra skin and stretch marks. My first kid was almost 10 pounds! The funny thing is though- I don’t ‘want a flat tummy more than anything!’ I really like beer. I really like bread. I really hate ab work. I’ll stick to wearing high-waisted jeans and wanting to punch high school girls in the face.

3. I feel bad about my maintenance: What I mean by this is the amount of maintenance it takes to look good. What happened to the days where I could wake up, brush my teeth, throw my hair in a pony-tail and look adorable? I’ll tell you- they’re long gone. Now I need to actually ‘do’ my hair, plan my outfits, rip hair out of my face, wear make-up, etc etc etc. It takes a lot of effort to look effortlessly chic!

4. I feel bad about my clothes: Shopping sucks. I am too old for Forever 21 and too young for Coldwater Creek. (By the way, if you are over 30, you are also too old for Forever 21.) I have to split my wardrobe between ‘work clothes’, ‘going out clothes’, ‘regular weekend casual clothes’. Who has enough money to dress all of their identities? I know who, f-ing high school girls! They only have one identity and that’s- skinny bitch. Remember when your parents bought all of your clothes? Remember when you were so skinny that you could go in any store and everything looked good on you? Remember when your biggest problem was whether or not your dad would let you wear that out?

Okay, obviously I have some issues with HS girls. I still remember a conversation that I had with my sister a couple years ago.

Brooke: I hate high school girls!

Me: Where did that come from?

Brooke: Why do HS girls get to be skinny? They’re SOOO stupid.

At a glance, this might sound mean. But, dig a little deeper and there is actually something we can learn from this. When you are in HS your body is probably the best it is going to get (if not HS, college and early 20’s). However, so many of us wished we were thinner, taller, had bigger boobs. If you were jealous of my boobs, I was probably jealous of your stomach. We didn’t appreciate it then, but we sure miss it now.

What does this say about how we will feel 20 years from now?

I might feel bad about my boobs now, but when I look back when I’m 50, I bet I’ll have a different perspective. Somehow, we need to find away to look in the mirror and concentrate on the good. Maybe we should make it a goal: every day spend 1 min. looking in the mirror and naming things we like about our selves. Now this doesn’t mean to ignore things that are unhealthy. But, if we can respect and appreciate what we have, it may change our whole outlook on our self-worth and confidence. And, that may be the jump start you need for a better life.

I don’t know. Either that or start punching high school girls (in the face).

I know, the title is a little dramatic, but I’m trying to make a point here. I think there are so many parts of our every day life that are ‘killing’ us. We have to walk around with blinders and filter every thing that gets thrown in our faces. One of the things that is destroying us is Romantic Comedies! More specifically they are destroying our relationships.

Now, I’ll give 90% of you the benefit of the doubt that you don’t think Romantic Comedies are realistic, but the culture and themes behind them seep through. I think we all know Matthew McConnaughey is not going to throw his body between us and a shark and then save the world from a meteor all while Channing Tatum is trying to strip his way into our hearts and memories! The problem is we all expect to find the ‘one’ for us. We believe that we will ‘just know’ when that person is the right one. We believe that there must be some sort of problem when marriage becomes work, because would true love ‘be this hard?’

What we need to realize is that bliss that they show in the movies, is the infatuation phase. This is the first 6 months to 2 years of pure joy. Your significant other can do no wrong. They are the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing before you fall asleep. You are obsessed. This does not last, and it’s a good thing it doesn’t. Nobody would ever get anything done! This phase is going to end, it is just a matter of when. This phase the ladies always have shaved legs and always look their best. This phase the men don’t mind missing a night out with the buddies to stay home with his girl. This phase the sex is amazing and exciting and frequent. This phase is easy.

The next phase is the uncertainty phase or drama phase. We are starting to worry, is this the ‘one’? Is he going to propose? We plan the wedding, move in, maybe have babies. This phase is jam packed full of a different kind of excitement. There is worry, fear, stress, excitement, new challenges, etc. In this phase you don’t focus too much on the actual relationship or your feelings for each other- you’re too busy.

The third phase is where things get interesting. This could be after you’re done having kids, this could be after the honeymoon is over (literally), or maybe this is the 7 year itch everyone is always talking about. Maybe you woke up one morning and realized that you and your husband spent so much time loving your kids that you didn’t worry about loving eachother. Maybe, the man who was ‘courting you’ all those years has disappeared. Maybe, everyone else is happy, but ‘mommy’ doesn’t even remember who she was before she was ‘mommy’. This phase is no-doubt the hardest phase, but is also the most rewarding.

This is when we need to remember that romantic comedies are stupid! During phase 3 we start to think that the grass looks awfully green over there. We start to compare our lives to what we think they should be, to what we think other people might have. Meeting someone new is very exciting, but that just isn’t fair. A spouse, no matter how amazing, can never compete with someone new! We need to remember that. We need to remember that no matter how tempting something seems to be, that we would be in the same boat with this new person in 5, 7, or 10 years. I don’t remember where I saw this, but I read something about how we can’t keep comparing our un-edited lives to everyone else’s highlight reels. How brilliant is that?!

In phase 3, what we need to start doing is finding ways to love our spouses. We know how to love our children. That part is easy. Let’s take the focus away from them for a little while and direct that towards our spouses. Stop focusing on what you don’t like, and start focusing on what you do. Instead of nagging, start appreciating. I’ve said it before, but what if instead of complaining that your husband is home late from work, you said thank you to him for working so hard for his family. For the husbands, instead of complaining to your wife that you never have sex anymore, try touching her without the goal of sex. You know, like holding her hand, cuddling on the couch.

In this phase, we need to ignore all the bullshit and just focus on loving what we have. We can’t keep living lives where we don’t appreciate what is right in front of us because we are always looking to upgrade. It’s your family, not a cell phone (that’s stupid too, but cell phones are a different post all-together). And for those of you who haven’t gotten to phase 3 yet, don’t worry. You will get there, but it doesn’t have to be scary. Just know that it is coming and don’t lose focus on the #1 most important relationship in your life.

Easy Kitchen Tips

First of all, I’d like to say: Forgive me readers, for I have sinned. It has been 10 days since my last post. I’m sure you were all losing sleep over it. Today’s post is all about my favorite tips for the kitchen. For those of you pro’s out there, some of these may be obvious. These are just things that make me happy and I am glad I either 1. learned it from someone, 2. saw it on the foodnetwork, or 3. found it on Pinterest.

1. Bacon in the oven: I mentioned this tip in my porkalicious post, so I won’t go into detail. Bottom line you cook the bacon laid flat in the oven and save your self a lot of head aches.

2. Garlic Bread: I am a little addicted to bread and garlic, so when there is something that combines both of these things- I’m in! Turn left over hot dog, brat, or burger buns into garlic bread. You know how you always have left over rolls that either get thrown away or go moldy on your counter? Use them for garlic bread. Butter or olive oil and a little bit of garlic (fresh, salt or powder). You can get fancy if you want, but for a random Tuesday night, this works just fine. Also, you can make it in to garlic bread ahead of time, wrap it in foil, and stick it in the freezer. When the time comes, pull it out and pop it in the oven. I do this when I buy a big loaf of french bread. I usually only use half and the rest goes bad in a day or two. I almost always have some of this floating around.

3. Chicken stock: They sell this stuff in a pretty big container and it only lasts about a week after you open it. Next time, use what you need, and then freeze the rest. You can use ice cube trays to portion it out. That way you can pick how much you want to thaw out. Tip: cover the ice cube tray with plastic wrap or foil so it doesn’t take on other flavors or get yucky.

4. Left over wine: I have no idea. I never have left over wine.

5. Chicken: I NEVER make only enough chicken for that night. I always make 1-2 extra breasts to use in a later dish. I usually use it for a salad or quesadilla the next day. Defrosting and baking takes time. Why do 2 when you can do 4? See- make ahead shredded chicken dishes post for more ideas.

6. Planning menus: Plan your menu before you shop or use Peapod (see The Grocery Fairy post). And when you plan, plan around the produce! In other words- plan around the things that go bad. If you buy parsley for a pasta dish, maybe you also plan to do chicken with parsley and lemon the next night. If you are going to buy lemon for your chicken, maybe you also plan to do a fish dish with lemon zest/juice. You get my point. Don’t throw stuff away because your menu was all over the board.

7. Spices: I’ve actually never done this but the idea came to me while writing this. Host a spice party. Okay- this is a total girl’s night in thing. Have everyone come over, bring a bottle of wine and assign them a spice. ‘Julie has to bring garlic powder’ ‘Angie has to bring cumin’ etc. Have it planned out to make an Italian mix, a mexican mix, and ‘house seasoning’ mix and so on. If you are not the chef of the group, recruit a friend to help you plan. (Or ask me, I can come up with some ideas for you. Maybe that will be a future post).

8. No more scrubbing: I never have to scrub pans! I always line my flat pans/cookie sheets with foil or parchment. And, I always de-glaze my skillets/pans. This is a trick that chefs use to make sauces. They will add a little bit of chicken stock or wine into a super hot pan and all the little brown bits from the bottom of the pan release to flavor the sauce. Well, for those of you who are NOT chefs and just hate doing dishes, you can do the same thing with water. After you pull your food out (i.e. chicken breasts, steaks, veggies, etc.), while the pan is still smoking hot, poor in a small cup of water. As the water bubbles/boils, take a wooden spoon and gently loosen the bits from the pan. It’s like magic.

9. Foil packages: Don’t you hate when you are pulling out a piece of foil and the whole roll comes out??!! For the first 28 years of my life, I had no idea that the sides of the foil box has 2 push in tabs. When you push these in, they hold the roll in the box. My aunt told me this and I was shocked. It was right in my face and I had no idea. Maybe I am just an idiot, but I thought I would share in case you are too. 🙂

10. Make your spouse do the dishes: I say spouse because I know a lot of couples where the man does the cooking. I love it. Whoever is not cooking- cleans. Bottom line…. no exceptions. If I have to go thru the planning and cooking, my husband can do the cleaning. It’s only fair. Luckily enough, I have a wonderful husband. If your husband is less than willing, stop cooking for a week and see what he says.

I’d love to hear your tricks and tips. Post them below in the comments.