It’s that time of year again… We are all focused on giving and making other

people’s dreams come true. We are all grateful for what we receive. Parents

especially forget about their own needs and just focus on what will make the

kids happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it comes down to it, this is what I REALLY

want for Christmas for me and for my family.



  1. One date per month, planned out, with baby-sitters taken care of! This is different than a husband  agreeing to go out with me. This means: all planned, no loose ends, all I have to do is make myself pretty (done!).
  2. Personal assistant to do all the things I don’t want to do! I figure this is about 10 hours per week. He or she will be responsible for cutting my coupons, writing thank you notes (invitations, xmas cards, etc), handle any/all paper work in my life (bills, correspondence, program registrations, etc.).
  3. One goddamn minute to myself! (I can actually see the moms reading this smiling and nodding). I want to read a book, take a bath, pee alone….
  4. To be discovered! Whether it’s writing, or modeling, or…. Yeah, I guess those are the two things I excel at: the written word and being professionally good looking.
  5. Five things from Pinterest! Okay, maybe 10 things. I would love to actually have something that I have pinned. I have purchased 1 thing out the 17 million things I want. Wouldn’t it be nice to have just a few of those outfits, or the outdoor patio, or the vacation, or the dream house. Okay, 15 things. That’s it, I promise.
  6. Someone to lay out my outfits every morning! Maybe Stacy and Clinton? Anyway, I would love if I could just wake up and not have to think about putting an outfit together. But, if I can’t have that, maybe someone to just hang up all of the ‘out-fit fails’ that I put together and subsequently leave on my bed every day.

My Husband-

  1. A personal assistant to plan above mentioned date nights! Let’s face it, if this were a strong suit for (straight) men, we would have much happier women running around. He needs some help. No offense to my husband, offense is meant for all men in general.
  2. A ‘beam-me-up-scotty’ machine! I would love to give him this gift. He wastes so much quality time driving. All jokes aside, I can’t think of anything that would be more useful to my man.

My Children-

  1. NO toys that make noise! Thanks, we’re good. We have a drum set, a recorder, a harmonica, a tickle me Elmo, and a damn beat toy (like the vegetable) that signs ‘we got the beat we got the beat we got the beat’. I will cut you.
  2. Things that we actually need! You know what my 15 month old wants for xmas? Diapers, pajamas, shoes, money for day care… I know these things are not fun to buy, but that’s what we (I mean she) needs.
  3. Things that Mommy and Daddy need! I know this seems selfish, but it’s really not. We are the ones that spend every spare cent on these little free-loaders. We need money for school, day care, swim lessons, t-ball, student loans (oops, that might be me), etc.
  4. Toys that will keep them occupied for one goddamn minute! “Mom, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy, mama, mama” You’ve seen that clip of Stewie; welcome to my life.
  5. NO cheap plastic toys! No more crap made in China that will break in 3 minutes that fits perfectly into my running shoes. Save up the $3 for each crap toy and buy me a bottle of Vodka buy them a book to mold their young minds.

I think that about covers it. If you get confused, cash money son. I got bills to pay.