Archive for March, 2013

couples feetIf you open any magazine, turn on any sitcom, or talk to any group of men, you will hear the same complaint- their wives/girlfriends never want to have sex. It’s always ‘something wrong with the women’ too. It’s never the men trying to figure out what he needs to do differently to engage her. But, that’s what happens in long-term relationships, right?! That is part of getting older, right?! But, I wonder: Does it have to?

Unlike most of the posts that I write, this one is for the men. So, women, share this with your men. And, men, read up! I’m going to try and get you laid. 🙂

First we need to look at the reasons your girl is giving you when she is saying no:
1. She is too tired
2. She is too busy (which makes her too tired)
3. She is not in the mood
4. She has a head ache
5. She’s lying!

Now, I am not saying these are all lies. There is a lot of validity in these reasons. We (females) just don’t want “it” as much as you men. And, we ARE tired! But if your relationship is lacking, there may be something you can do about it.

This list is probably a little more accurate than what she is telling you and here’s what you can do about it.

1. She is too tired or too busy: Like I said, some of these are legit excuses. You want to have more sex with your wife? Make her less tired and busy! Help her with the cleaning, laundry, errands, etc. You can stop on your way home and get diapers! Don’t wait for her to ask either. Volunteer! Offer to cook or get dinner 1x per week so she doesn’t have to cook. Take over one of her ‘jobs’ (i.e. the bills, dog walking, bath time, etc.). There has to be something she is willing to unload. Take the kids out of the house on Saturday morning or tell her to leave! The less tired/busy/stressed, the more nookie.

2. She doesn’t feel sexy or desirable: Men CLEARLY don’t need to feel sexy to want to have sex. Women are different. If we feel fat or bloated or think are boobs are saggy or we haven’t showered or ______________(insert any of the 1,000 insecurities your lady is currently living with), we are not in ‘the mood’. Make sure your wife knows how good you think she looks- don’t assume- make sure she knows. Lay it on thick! Give her compliments, smack her ass while she is cooking, NOTICE when she loses 5 pounds, or send a flirty text (“I can’t stop thinking about how you looked in the shower this morning!”). Just make sure you do it in a loving way. You don’t want to be the equivalent of a guy whistling from construction site. And- warning- balance this with #3.

3. She doesn’t feel loved or cared for: I know, it’s not easy keeping a woman happy! This one is important though. Watching ESPN all night while monitoring your brackets on the lap top (Brent is currently saying, “you don’t know me!), and then at 9:30 looking at your lady and saying, “Wanna go upstairs?” winky face, is not going to cut it. Ignoring your wife all night will not lead to sex! Ask her about her day and actually LISTEN to her answer, cuddle on the couch without grabbing her boobs, give her a compliment when it can’t possibly lead to sex (i.e. Tell her how sexy she looks while she is on her way out the door in the morning), spend quality time with her, send her a text telling her that you are thinking about her- we love that shit! Show her some affection you jerk!

4. She only feels like a mom: “Moms” don’t like having sex. “Women” love having sex! Women need time away from her kids; women need ‘brain space’ away from their kids. We need a separate identity: friend, wife, etc. Your wife needs to go on dates (with you or not, your choice), she needs to go out with friends, etc. If the only identity your wife has is ‘mommy’- good luck. And, don’t just encourage her to do it, actually make it easy. Tell her you don’t mind staying home this weekend, arrange a baby sitter, plan the date, or take your kids to your parents house every Tuesday. She doesn’t need to add “plan a date night” to her to-do list. And, for the love of god, don’t act clueless when she is gone! She should NOT have to worry about you and the kids; you can handle it.

5. She’d rather…. read a book, take a bath, and watch the Biggest Loser. Ouch! I know, it’s hard to hear. Sometimes we really would rather watch NCIS. But, we might want to watch TV because we are tired (see #1). Or….maybe it’s because it’s not very exciting lately. Ouch again! But, let me ask you a question gentlemen: why do YOU think 50 Shades of Grey was so popular? It sure as shit wasn’t the writing! We would all like a little more passion, a little more excitement, and a little more….weirdness. You know what I mean- lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Sweet, romantic love is only gonna get your sex life so far. Ask her what she wants (give her wine first). Tell her what you want (drink whiskey first). Read a bood about how to please her. I promise you that if it is better, you’ll have it more often.

There, now you know our secrets men. Use this information for good.

Ladies: give your man a shot. Men are much more affectionate and helpful around the house when they are having regular sex. It’s like training a puppy. Positive reinforcement for good behavior! 🙂

veggiesEver since I posted the blog about eating wheat free, people have been asking me, so….what do you eat then? It’s funny because I felt the same way in the beginning. When you cut out wheat you eliminate: bread, anything breaded, pasta, cookies, cakes, crackers, and almost everything processed. On top of that I cut out all food from a box and rice and potatoes. I’m not anti-rice or potatoes, but if you are trying to lose weight, these foods will kill your diet. There is a place for these carbs but not for 30+ year old women trying to lose weight. These foods are good for athletes, distance runners, etc. I get plenty of carbs from fruit and plenty of fiber from my veggies. I think often times diets fail because people just try to eat ‘less’. They don’t cut out the junk and just cut their portion sizes. Well, cutting portion sizes is a good thought, but if you are never satisfied from your meals, you are sabotaging your diet. I have also been asked by a lot of parents about budgets and grocery shopping, etc. So, what I am doing today is sharing with you my grocery order for the week and the cost (I use Peapod so the total also includes delivery). This is for a family of four, it’s a week’s worth of groceries, and we eat about 90% at home. There is very little going out for lunch/dinner.

Apples, Fugi x3
Asparagus, 1 bunch
Avocado, x2
Banana, x11 (we eat a lot of bananas!)
Blueberries, x1
Broccoli, fresh, 3 stalks, 1 crown
Brussels Sprouts, 1 pound
Baby Carrots, 1 bag
Cucumbers, x1
Kale, 1 bunch
Lemons, x2
Cataloupe, x1
Portobella mushroom caps, 1 pound
Red Onion, x1
Vidalia Onion, x2
Green Bell Pepper, x2
Raspberries, x1
Baby spinach, x1 bag
Sprouts alfalfa, x1 package
Beef steak tomato, x1
Chicken apple sausage (applegate farms, LOVE!), x1 box
Turkey breakfast sausage, x1 package
Turkey hotdogs, uncured, nitrite free, x1 package
Chicken breasts, 1 lb.
Tilapia, 1 lb.
Grass fed ground beef, 1 lb.
Deli Turkey, 1 lb.
Munster cheese, 1/2 pound
2% milk, x1 gallon
Whole milk, x1 gallon
Yogurt, Whole milk plain, 1 large tub
Yogurt, Whole milk peach, 4-pack
Eggs, free range, omega 3, x1 dozen
Orange Juice, 1/2 gallon
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
(I don’t need any nuts this week, but that is a common item as well. Almonds, pistacios, pecans, walnuts.)

TOTAL COST: $131.60

Before I made the change, I would say I was closer to $115.00 per week. So, our bill has gone up. To me, it’s worth it. I have lost 10 pounds and 2.5 inches off my waist in approx. 8-10 weeks (I’ve been exercising too). I am 5 pounds away from my ultimate goal weight and feel great! Full of energy and never hungry. Also, I firmly believe we have to choose between spending our money on food or spending our money on medicine down the road.

Every week I shop the same way. I start with veggies, then I move to fruit, then I move to meat/seafood, next is dairy, and end with nuts. That’s it. If it doesn’t fall in those categories, I don’t buy it.

I would love to hear what you think. What do you buy? Have any of you made a similar change and how do you feel? Do you have any questions? Is this helpful? I love talking about this!!!

Bi-Polar Body Image

Like most women I know, I have a jacked up body image. It makes me mad because I should know better. Like I have said before, I am not that weird shaped! I wonder why I am not more enlightened. Should I blame the media? Should I blame the fashion magazines or hollywood? Sure, they’re jerks, but they just put out what we buy. If we stopped buying into that crap, they would have to adjust. Honestly, I am the only one to blame. I am smart, I am mature, and I am surrounded by people that love me for the whole me regardless of my weight or waist. So, what’s my deal?!

To give you a little background, I don’t always feel bad about myself. In fact, I am bi-polar. I either think I am Sophia Vergara or the Stay-puft marshmallow man (Seriously, ghostbusters 1 and 2 were some of the best comedies ever! Under-rated, but I digress). There are days when I look into the mirror and I’m all like, “Damn girl, you look good!” There are other days when I want to drape my self in velvet-if it were socially acceptable- or some other kind of loose, warm, comfy fabric that I can disappear into. (If you got that velvet reference, give yourself a high five for being awesome.) Overall, though I would say I have a high level of confidence. I usually walk into a room like I own it.

bi-polar body image

With that said, why do I let myself talk down to myself? Why do I torture my poor husband by brushing off his compliments? You know how we do that ladies, “Oh, I love that dress on you.” and then we reply, “Just think of how good it would look if I lost 10 pounds!” That’s really annoying. I know it’s annoying and I still do it.

I think we all have a ‘story’ about ourselves that we have made up. Something that sticks with you for years. Maybe you used to be 30 pounds over weight, and now you still think of yourself as ‘that chubby girl’. My ‘story’ is that I am the big girl out of all my friends. Every single one of my friends is smaller than me and always has been. I’ve never been truly big, but always biggest. I have tiny little girl friends and a tiny little sister; they’re the worst! 🙂 So, my ‘story’ is that people look at me and think I am the big one. This is probably (hopefully) crazy. I doubt people care enough to even notice something like that. But, the point is, I am technically a healthy weight. My BMI is within the normal range. I clean up good. Why do I care so much? Why does my logical brain who knows I should be proud of my appearance disappear and let my stupid emotional brain insult me? My logical brain shouldn’t stand for that! And that is exactly what I am going to try to do from now on.

All compliments will be accepted with grace. From now on, when I get a compliment, I am going to say “thank you”. Simple as that, no qualifiers. “Hey that’s a nice shirt” will not be followed with “Oh, this thing? It’s super cheap; got it at Target.” It will now be followed with “thank you”.

I will not insult myself. I will no longer judge myself in a negative way. I will not allow ME to hurt ME out loud or in my head.

I will no longer compare myself to others. This is tough, but I will not compare myself to friends or strangers or celebrities or manequins. It’s funny how we only see the areas where we lose in comparisons.

I will no longer put thoughts into strangers heads. In other words, I will not make up stories about the way the world sees me. I am no longer the ‘big girl’ in my mind.

Ladies, let’s let go of our baggage and just enjoy our bodies for what they can do. This doesn’t mean we don’t try to improve by eating right and exercising, but it does mean no more obsessing. No more worrying about what others think. No more looking in the mirror and seeing anything but your true reflection. No more holding on to old stories or issues that are haunting us. Go give yourself a compliment. Be proud of yourself.

I’ll start right now: My butt has been looking really good lately since I started working out again!

Use the comments section to compliment yourself. Come on, you deserve it. It feels good.

Advice for New Moms

This post is inspired by my dear friend Deidre who was recently impregnated (way to go Greg!). I remember what it felt like to be pregnant and excited and bombarded by bad advice so I thought to myself, ‘I should give her more advice!’ So, this is for Deidre and Greg and all other expectant moms and new moms and old moms and women who are glad they are not moms.


1. Definitely Breast Feed! (Unless you can’t or don’t want to or have sore nipples. And if any one gets up on their high horse telling you what you should do with YOUR child and YOUR body can go kick rocks!)

2. Try your best every day! (Granted some days your best is crying on the inside of a locked bathroom door while your kids are crying on the other side of said door because you just want one goddamn minute to yourself!)

3. Definitely keep having sex with your husband- you’re welcome Greg. (Unless you are tired, or hungry, or full, or feel ugly because you’re so full)

4. Let your husband change the first 5 poopy diapers, even if you are feeling up to it. (It’s like tar and it doesn’t come off, and you go thru like 7 wipes, and you think ‘what am I doing wrong…. am I being punk’d?!’)

5. Definitley listen to all the advice you get, especially from your grandma and all her friends! (Yeah, because nothing has changed in 50 years! We are all lucky to be alive with the stomach sleeping and the whiskey on our gums and the second hand smoke!)

6. Never feel guilty- you’re a good mom! (We have ALL woken up from an accidental nap and panicked until we figured out where our kid was, we have ALL dropped our kid or dropped something on our kid, we have ALL let the baby cry until half time or a commercial break.)

7. Read to your infant every day for 20 minutes! (This always works out perfect-sarcasm font- They squirm, they cry, they drool, they rip pages, they pull your hair and punch you in the boobs. Wait, Sesame Street is kind of like reading, right?)

8. Breast feeding shouldn’t hurt if you’re doing it right. (LIARS! Why do they do that to us? For some lucky ladies out there this is true. Others not so much. If you have a particularly nazi-type-breast-feeding-mother-earth-type nurse tell her to go eat a granola bar. You’ll figure it out. If not, buy a pump.)

9. Do everything you can to prepare for delivery: read books, take classes, and make a birthing plan. (Again, this usually goes exactly as planned! Oh, you want to give birth on an exercise ball in a calm dark room with deep breathing, listening to chimes while eating hummus? You’re cute.)

10. Please, for the love of god, take awkward pregnancy photos and post them on Facebook! (Seriously, please do this. Like, one with you in just a bra and Greg shirtless holding an American flag while flexing a bicep. Just an idea, pick your own ridiculous scenario.)

11. Take pictures of your boobs a couple days after delivery! (You’ll just have to trust me on this one. They are hilarious and glorious!)

12. Join Pinterest! (God knows you can’t just have a baby shower or 1st b-day party or even just take regular pictures of your baby anymore. We all have to compete to see who can be the most creative! Oh… you mean you didn’t make a birthday crown out of an old pallet, a piece of burlap, and a paper clip!? Don’t disappoint us, we are all counting on you.)

13. Never raise your voice in anger at your children! (Well, unless they are being assholes.)

Hope that helps. Cheers! Well, at least cheers to you Greg.

Lately my focus has greatly been on my health and fitness. I have started working out more, I signed up for the Tough Mudder, and I completely changed the way I eat. When I think about the ‘why’ behind the changes, I come up with a lot of really good answers! Here is a small sampling:

-Overall health
-Heart Disease
-Setting a good example for my children
-Yada yada yada

Good answers right?! And, technically they are all true. I think all of these things are incredibly important. But if doesn’t really tell the whole story. When I think about my REAL motivation, it’s not on that list. In fact, it’s a little less ‘evolved’. If I am completely honest, the thing that makes me say YES to the treadmil and NO to the pasta is just that I want to look good naked. There, I said it. That is the #1 thing that motivates me. If I were a trainer, that would be my go-to. “Oh, you don’t want to lift weights? Do you want to look good naked?” Hell, if I was a doctor, that would be my go-to. It’s hard to motivate a 30 year old to do what is good for their 65 year old self. It is NOT hard to remind people of how they look every morning when they are getting out of the shower!

I know that this probably shouldn’t be my #1 motivator, but I am guessing I am not alone. I don’t know if this will always work for me; I might evolve. But, don’t hold your breath.

cave woman

But, isn’t this our most primal and natural desire? Haven’t we always wanted to be the cave woman that can attract the sexy cave man? Doesn’t looking good naked, usually mean that we are healthy? (Now please notice I am not using the word skinny. Skinny does not always equal sexy or healthy. Let’s be very clear on that.) We do this because we know that we need to look good naked if we want to have sex with other people that also look good naked. You have to be fit or rich- one or the other.

With that said, I do have more energy and my heart is healthier and I AM setting a good example for my kids. That stuff is all great. It’s ‘gravy’ as they say. My 65 year old self will be very grateful (especially because my 65 year old self is going to look good naked like Helen Miren)!