This post is inspired by my dear friend Deidre who was recently impregnated (way to go Greg!). I remember what it felt like to be pregnant and excited and bombarded by bad advice so I thought to myself, ‘I should give her more advice!’ So, this is for Deidre and Greg and all other expectant moms and new moms and old moms and women who are glad they are not moms.

preggers

1. Definitely Breast Feed! (Unless you can’t or don’t want to or have sore nipples. And if any one gets up on their high horse telling you what you should do with YOUR child and YOUR body can go kick rocks!)

2. Try your best every day! (Granted some days your best is crying on the inside of a locked bathroom door while your kids are crying on the other side of said door because you just want one goddamn minute to yourself!)

3. Definitely keep having sex with your husband- you’re welcome Greg. (Unless you are tired, or hungry, or full, or feel ugly because you’re so full)

4. Let your husband change the first 5 poopy diapers, even if you are feeling up to it. (It’s like tar and it doesn’t come off, and you go thru like 7 wipes, and you think ‘what am I doing wrong…. am I being punk’d?!’)

5. Definitley listen to all the advice you get, especially from your grandma and all her friends! (Yeah, because nothing has changed in 50 years! We are all lucky to be alive with the stomach sleeping and the whiskey on our gums and the second hand smoke!)

6. Never feel guilty- you’re a good mom! (We have ALL woken up from an accidental nap and panicked until we figured out where our kid was, we have ALL dropped our kid or dropped something on our kid, we have ALL let the baby cry until half time or a commercial break.)

7. Read to your infant every day for 20 minutes! (This always works out perfect-sarcasm font- They squirm, they cry, they drool, they rip pages, they pull your hair and punch you in the boobs. Wait, Sesame Street is kind of like reading, right?)

8. Breast feeding shouldn’t hurt if you’re doing it right. (LIARS! Why do they do that to us? For some lucky ladies out there this is true. Others not so much. If you have a particularly nazi-type-breast-feeding-mother-earth-type nurse tell her to go eat a granola bar. You’ll figure it out. If not, buy a pump.)

9. Do everything you can to prepare for delivery: read books, take classes, and make a birthing plan. (Again, this usually goes exactly as planned! Oh, you want to give birth on an exercise ball in a calm dark room with deep breathing, listening to chimes while eating hummus? You’re cute.)

10. Please, for the love of god, take awkward pregnancy photos and post them on Facebook! (Seriously, please do this. Like, one with you in just a bra and Greg shirtless holding an American flag while flexing a bicep. Just an idea, pick your own ridiculous scenario.)

11. Take pictures of your boobs a couple days after delivery! (You’ll just have to trust me on this one. They are hilarious and glorious!)

12. Join Pinterest! (God knows you can’t just have a baby shower or 1st b-day party or even just take regular pictures of your baby anymore. We all have to compete to see who can be the most creative! Oh… you mean you didn’t make a birthday crown out of an old pallet, a piece of burlap, and a paper clip!? Don’t disappoint us, we are all counting on you.)

13. Never raise your voice in anger at your children! (Well, unless they are being assholes.)

Hope that helps. Cheers! Well, at least cheers to you Greg.

Advertisements