Archive for November, 2013


Kids, no kids

IMG_4413In my vast experience I have come up with these differences between having kids and not having kids:

No kids: Wow, last night was fun. I better sleep this one off.
Kids: Wow, what was I thinking last night. Better get ready for a morning full of mother fucking Dora on repeat.

No kids: Oooh, we should check out that new restaurant. (and then you go the following week)
Kids: Oooh, we should check out that new restaurant. (and then you go within the next 36 months)

No kids: Ew, poop is gross!
Kids: Did the baby poop today? I’m worried, yesterday it was _______ and ___________ (insert very graphic words to describe poop colors and textures). What’s for lunch?

No kids: I’m in the mood for starbucks….(and then leaves to get starbucks)
Kids: I’m in the mood for starbucks… but there is no f’ing way I’m getting the kids f’ing dressed with coats and shit for f’ing coffee!

No kids: Hey babe, wanna do it on the couch?
Kids: Hey babe, wanna do it when our kids are away at college in 16 years? (winky face)

No kids: I love a long hot shower on a cold winter morning….
Kids: When is the last time I showered?

No kids: What do you want for dinner? ‘Let’s get sushi!’
Kids: What do you want for dinner? ‘Have whatever you want. I finished off the kids’ hot dogs and I’m not hungry any more.’

No kids: We should do a vacation this year. What about Mexico?
Kids: There is no way I’m taking these assholes on an airplane! Dells?

*Those are my adorable nieces and nephew. Taking up my poor sister’s entire king size bed. ๐Ÿ™‚

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Is this you?

Read this scenario and let me know if you can relate…. Is this you?

After a fitful night sleep your alarm goes off around 6. You ‘snooze’ about 3 times before you actually force yourself out of bed. Before you even get in the shower, you stumble down stairs for a cup of coffee. After the caffeine kicks in you start getting ready for work. Yawning every 3 seconds and longing to crawl back in bed.

Next, you sit down for breakfast. It is your ‘usual’, some ‘high fiber’ and ‘low fat’ cereal that isn’t even good despite the dehydrated berries thrown in. You have a glass of OJ and you’re out the door. At work you grab another cup of coffee (skim milk, zero calorie sweetener). It is 10 oclock now and your tummy starts rumbling. You know you aren’t going to make it to lunch so you grab a half a bagel out of the break room or you grab a handful of wheat thins.

For lunch you eat the turkey sandwich you brought. It is on whole wheat bread, low fat cheese, and low cal mayo with a diet coke and pretzels. You are proud of yourself for skipping the trip to Arby’s with the rest of your co-workers. You are feeling pretty good at 12, 1, and even 2pm.

All the sudden 3 o’clock hits and you hit a wall. You grab an iced coffee or another diet drink to get you thru the rest of the day. At home you make another relatively ‘healthy’ choice. You have chicken, and veggies (brocolli and potatoes), and wheat dinner rolls. With low fat milk of course.

You go about your hectic evening, scrambling to get it all done. By the time the kids are in bed at 8 you sit down for the first time and crash. TV, email, etc. At 9pm the pantry is calling your name. You stare at all the food in your house for 15 mins. before you decide against it. You have been working so hard on eating the right things and you don’t want to blow it. You go to bed hungry. You lay there for 45 mins because your mind is racing. You wonder WHY GOD can’t you sleep even though you were exhausted all day. You get a crappy night sleep. Repeat.

You have gained about 10 pounds over the past 2 years even though you are ‘eating healthy’ and you are getting pissed. You re-commit to doing more exercise because that has to be the problem. You also probably have some kind of chronic issue. Maybe it’s seasonal allergies, IBS, bouts of depression/anxiety, or joint pain. Oh well, you chalk it up to ‘getting old’ and this is what happens to everyone, right?

Wrong! It doesn’t need to be. You can literally choose not to feel this way, and eating the right food is your answer.

I have fallen off the wagon with my eating lately and can definitely tell the difference. I have gained weight and, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I got sick and stayed sick. Normally if I get sick it’s for like a day. I swear I was sick for 2 weeks this time around. I needed a little motivation to get back on track so I started reading “It Starts With Food” (Where I got the idea for this post). They do a great job of explaining all of the things I have been trying to say for the last year. They promote the whole30 movement if you’ve heard of that.

My big ‘aha’ moment came when the book laid it out like this: Everything you eat makes you either more healthy or less healthy. Every day we are deciding the kind of life we want to live by choosing what we put in our bodies.

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We need to re-think ‘healthy’. We need to pay attention to the research instead of using out dated food pyramids/guides. We need to stop doing ‘low fat’ and ‘diet’ everything. We need to eat food. If anything that I said above sounds familiar, please consider reading the book. Unless you understand the “WHY” behind the changes, you are likely to fail.

You can’t out train a bad diet in the gym and even though it seems to make sense that less calories= weight loss, it is not that simple. If it were, we wouldn’t struggle so much.

I hope that at least a few of you reading this are inspired to take action and take control of your life. I’m super excited to be back on the wagon! I would be more than happy to answer any questions. I love talking about this stuff!!!!!

091Last week I posted a blog entitled Listen up B*tches. In the post I expressed some frustrations about selfishness and poked fun at things like selfies and our warped priorities. At the end of the post I said “I feel like I need to do something big”. Well, this post is about my something big. But first, I’m going to talk about myself for a minute. ๐Ÿ™‚

Confession 1: I am a little vain. Okay, ‘little’ was thrown in there to make me feel better about myself. Let me try again… I am vain. I take my appearance seriously and I put a lot of value in how attractive I am on any particular day. That is very embarrassing to admit, but I believe I am not alone here. I wish we lived in a world where people were valued more by the content of their character, but alas, we do not.

Confession 2: I have had an easy life. I had the typical suburban middle class upbringing in a safe area with good schools. My old college boyfriend joked that I grew up in Candyland. “Everyone drives an SUV in Candyland” “No one locks their doors in Candyland”. You get the picture. We didn’t have a lot of money, but we were fine. We were healthy, got good grades, student council, sports, etc. With the exception of losing a close friend, I have never had to deal with a tragedy or overcome anything. My life has been cake.

Confession 3: I am super emotional. I am completely incapable of seeing sad or sentimental things. You know that cheerios commercial where the little girl is sitting with her mom and talking about how their dead grandma used to eat cheerios with the mom when she was little and then the girl is like ‘so it’s kind of like we are eating breakfast with Nana’. A normal reaction to that would be ‘awwwwe’. An emotional reaction would be to tear up a little. What do I do? Sob like a maniac. The other day I was fast-forwarding thru that comercial and it STILL made me cry because I knew what it was about. Oh, and by the way, my grandma is still alive! I can’t even relate and I’m doing the ugly cry. I have problems.

A couple weeks ago, a friend on facebook posted this video (WATCH IT!) and I was hysterical. I mean ‘snot-running-down-your-face-weeping’. It is a beautiful video about the brave and happy and hopeful side of a children’s cancer wing in a hospital made by one of the nurses. And I couldn’t shake it. These poor children with cancer are living a life that I can’t even pretend to understand. I have two healthy, beautiful children. They are healthy because of nothing I have done personally. They are healthy because we got lucky. Simple as that. It doesn’t seem fair. So… I had a mini-quarter-life-crisis. What am I doing with this 1 life? What can I do that will help others? What is my legacy if I die tomorrow? What does the fox say? After processing this information and crying for maybe 87 hours, I made a decision.

I am going to shave my head for cancer!

That is right, Mrs. Vanity Magee, is going to be bald. I literally just signed up for St. Baldricks. March 1st, Brat Stop, BUZZZZZZZZZZ. (I want to throw up. No turning back. Christ.)

I know I am going to be asked about a million times between now and then ‘why’. Well, here is my short answer: Because it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and what does it say about my life if a haircut is the hardest thing I have ever had to do?

roald dahl quote

So, here’s is where you all come in. I am going to need a lot of support and I’m asking for your help. If I am going to do this, I would like to make it worth it! I want to raise A LOT of money. Like- break records kind of money. Here is the link to my donation page. Any and all donations are welcome. If you can only afford $5 I’ll take it. If you can’t afford $5, share this with your friends and maybe one of them has some extra cash laying around. I would also love to have all of you there at the brat stop on March 1st. More details on that to come.

I will be using this blog and facebook to solicit support in many different ways- not just to ask for money. I will also be blogging and discussing the experience. Time to put my money where my mouth is. Please stay tuned and please let me know if you have any clever ideas for fundraising.

That’s right, two-year-olds suck. I know this isn’t news to many of you, but it needs to be said. It needs to be shouted from the roof-tops. There is a very good reason they are called the terrible twos and my daughter might be trying to kill me. Okay, maybe not kill me but certainly trying break my heart and crush my spirit.

First of all, let me be clear. I love her desperately. She is quite possibly the most adorable creature to walk the earth. blah blah blah. Back to her being the worst.

Do you know what 2 year-olds do when they don’t get their way? Scream. And not just scream, like lucky-my-windows-didn’t-shatter scream. By the way, do you know what they do when they DO get their way? Scream. Yep.

Do you know what 2 year-olds like to eat? Nothing. You know how when they are babies and learning how to eat new foods and you can pretty much give them anything? That stops at exactly 2. I miss the baby who would dunk her broccoli in her blueberry yogurt. Last night she told me “I don’t like chicken, I don’t like cheese, I don’t like an-thing!” Oh, and she followed that up with screaming.

Do you know what they do when they drop something in the back of the car when you are driving and can’t reach it? Scream. And if they are not screaming they are doing that weird hybrid between whining and crying that is worse than screaming.

Do you know who has zero regard for their own safety? You guessed it- 2 year-olds. My daughter is reckless! She might be pretty now, but if she keeps falling on her face I’m going to have to buy her a hockey mask. By the way, whoever invented coffee tables- Fuck you!

Do you know what my 2 year-old monster did to me yesterday? She was throwing a fit (shocker) and I was croutched (crowched?) down next to her trying to calmly reason with her. She put her hand up to my face and pushed me away with her palm. She is lucky I have been practicing my conscious breathing (and drinking a lot of wine) lately.

Did you know that 2 year-olds can do everything and nothing by themselves? They insist on ‘me do it!’ but are completely incapable of actually doing it. I know, parenting experts will tell you that this is an important part of their development and this is how they learn. Well that’s great but I actually am expected to be on-time occasionally. My daughter has landed on her face twice getting down from the car because ‘no no no mommy, me do it’. By the way, if you don’t let them do it themselves, they scream.

Do you know who can’t control where they vomit? 2 year-olds. Do you know where they like to vomit? Not in the toilet or the bucket you scoured (scowered? Why is spelling so hard?) the garage for. They like to puke on the carpet, the couch, or mommy/daddy. My daughter also likes to pee on the carpet. The other day she sat on the potty for 15 minutes and then peed on the walk from the bathroom to her room to get the diaper. F’ing 2 year-olds.

And lastly, do you know who is a waste of cuteness? 2 year-olds. Why a waste you ask? Because they will not let you take their picture! They either make the ridiculous cheese face, look away, or frown. I took like 746 pictures last weekend and I think I got two that she is looking at the camera and smiling in a non-psycho-baby way.

Oh, and I resent her for her super model hair.
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Listen up b*tches

photo (13)Okay, I got your attention. I don’t really think you’re all b*tches…. But, I am about at my selfishness, non-sense, unaware of the world around you, entitled attitude limit for the year. I think I might lose my mind. This is like a diary entry I am sharing with the world because these thoughts have been consuming candysbrain for a long time now.

Have you noticed how the world seems to be spiraling out of control? The planet is dying, the people on the planet are starving or killing themselves or eachother, no one seems to give a shit about any of it, and we just keep buying the latest crap. One of the most hilarious headlines I’ve seen recently (I believe it was The Onion) was talking about some new cell phone that came in different designs/colors, etc. and they joked about ‘which color best represents my desperate need for attention?’. Nailed it.

“This sparkly pink cover will really pop in my next selfie!”

The point of this post is simply to say that we should focus a little less on ourselves and a little more on the rest of the world. A little less instagraming our dinner and a little more feeding the hungry. A little less talking and a little more listening and learning and reading. A little less sharing of opinions and a little more sharing of resources. Living in a society takes sacrifices; it always has. Sometimes you have a little more and so you give a little more. But it’s not about what you give or how much you give, it’s that you have the awareness to know that there are people out there besides yourself that could use a break. You know that you are not fundamentally better than they are. You know that some day you might need a hand and hope that someone will be there for you. You know that you are not kind to others because it gets you into heaven, but because it makes you feel good in your heart and soul to help another human being (or animal for that matter).

There is so much misdirected anger at the strangest things. People are angry because they have to press ONE button for English. One GD button! Talk about first world problems. People are angry at poor people. People are angry because a tiny portion of their income goes to making sure poor kids get at least 1 meal a day and the most basic health care.

This matters. Anger and hate and violence are contagious and I fear it is spreading through our world. Anger turns to hate which turns to violence and the tiniest little thing matters. But, the good news is- so is love and giving and sharing and compassion. The best way to ‘fight’ the hate in the world is to love more and bigger than ever before.

When is the last time you truly did something for someone else? Not your family. Not for your kids. But for a stranger, or a neighbor, or a charity? This is not asked to shame you. This is asked to hopefully inspire you. This is asked to be a wake-up call for those that need it.

I have been thinking about my own selfishness lately. Once you learn to recognize the behavior it is very easy to notice it, even when others don’t. I think we are all a little selfish and I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing. I just know how lucky I am and have always been. I have never really had to ‘want’ for anything that I needed. So, how do I remain a happy modern women who appreciates nice things, and yet consistently think of others and help those that need help. I think it’s about finding the balance between giving so much you lose your identity and it’s to your own detriment vs. thinking only of yourself and being a detriment to society.

I feel like I need to do something big. Start a revolution or something. I don’t know what that looks like and who knows if anything I say will ever make a difference, but I want to try. Stay tuned because it’s coming.

In the meantime, I am curious…. What do you do to give back to your community? How do you teach this next ‘entitled’ generation what is really important? What types of conversations do you have with your kids so they know what kind of need is really out there? My daughter is too young, but my son is five. I want to start now so that he accepts this giving/caring/sacrificing as a part of his life. Any/all comments welcome.

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Brainy birds, floating free
Know what you must be
Go Away
Please don’t stay
Sing your song for me

***I wrote this after I saw the above art work by Kiersten Essenpreis. If you don’t know about her, now you know… She is incredibly talented and likely the most creative person I know in real life. Thanks for the inspiration. Check her out at http://www.youfail.com

Rainy day

photo (12)Rainy day
Complainy day
Do nothing and piss it away
Kind of day

Still feeling sick
Need to get over it quick

For Sunday
My favorite day.