IMG_4413In my vast experience I have come up with these differences between having kids and not having kids:

No kids: Wow, last night was fun. I better sleep this one off.
Kids: Wow, what was I thinking last night. Better get ready for a morning full of mother fucking Dora on repeat.

No kids: Oooh, we should check out that new restaurant. (and then you go the following week)
Kids: Oooh, we should check out that new restaurant. (and then you go within the next 36 months)

No kids: Ew, poop is gross!
Kids: Did the baby poop today? I’m worried, yesterday it was _______ and ___________ (insert very graphic words to describe poop colors and textures). What’s for lunch?

No kids: I’m in the mood for starbucks….(and then leaves to get starbucks)
Kids: I’m in the mood for starbucks… but there is no f’ing way I’m getting the kids f’ing dressed with coats and shit for f’ing coffee!

No kids: Hey babe, wanna do it on the couch?
Kids: Hey babe, wanna do it when our kids are away at college in 16 years? (winky face)

No kids: I love a long hot shower on a cold winter morning….
Kids: When is the last time I showered?

No kids: What do you want for dinner? ‘Let’s get sushi!’
Kids: What do you want for dinner? ‘Have whatever you want. I finished off the kids’ hot dogs and I’m not hungry any more.’

No kids: We should do a vacation this year. What about Mexico?
Kids: There is no way I’m taking these assholes on an airplane! Dells?

*Those are my adorable nieces and nephew. Taking up my poor sister’s entire king size bed. 🙂

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