I before E except after C…. Shit, I don’t know.

It has been a while since I have blogged. I’m not even sure why. I love to write. Blogging makes me happy, but sometimes I don’t make it a priority. Isn’t it funny how that happens sometimes? We go on autopilot. We begin to do things that are easy instead of what ‘fills our bucket’ (I learned that one from my son). Instead of turning off the TV and reading, it’s easier to watch re-runs of big bang theory. Instead of going to bed at a decent time, and working out in the morning, it’s easier to have 1-2 more drinks and say f-it.

I want to get off auto pilot. I don’t want to ‘get through the week’, I want to live my week. I want to design my week. I want to enjoy each and every week that makes up my one life. That feels powerful to say. It also feels scary. To be in control of my week, means that there is no one to blame but me when things do not go as planned or if I screw up. Is that why we are all afraid of creating our own destiny? If we actually try and then fail, what does that say?

I am not 100% sure why I share this with all of you. I guess I would love to create a little community of consciousness. A community of people that choose their actions, foods, health, thoughts, lives. A community of people who don’t get lost in drama triangles and living for show and hypocrisy. Maybe I share it as a way to get these thoughts out of my head and into the universe. I don’t need any more doubt or guilt in my head. I’d like to save that space for peace and wonder and love and learning.

I had a great moment this weekend when my daughter was off swinging on her tummy and my son was running thru the yard and I just soaked it all in. I tried to see the world like my kids would- with wonder and amazement. I stopped my son and said, ‘can you believe a few weeks ago, this yard was covered in snow?’ He said, ‘yeah and now it’s green grass with bugs and warm air’. I smiled and paused, taking a mental snap shot and then he says while walking away, ‘mom sure does like nature!’ Ha. I do. I sure do like nature. I sure do like moments like this too. Real moments of consciousness and presence. Moments not on autopilot. Moments not on my phone. Moments of living the life I want to live. I want some more of all that.