Category: Best of…


That’s right, two-year-olds suck. I know this isn’t news to many of you, but it needs to be said. It needs to be shouted from the roof-tops. There is a very good reason they are called the terrible twos and my daughter might be trying to kill me. Okay, maybe not kill me but certainly trying break my heart and crush my spirit.

First of all, let me be clear. I love her desperately. She is quite possibly the most adorable creature to walk the earth. blah blah blah. Back to her being the worst.

Do you know what 2 year-olds do when they don’t get their way? Scream. And not just scream, like lucky-my-windows-didn’t-shatter scream. By the way, do you know what they do when they DO get their way? Scream. Yep.

Do you know what 2 year-olds like to eat? Nothing. You know how when they are babies and learning how to eat new foods and you can pretty much give them anything? That stops at exactly 2. I miss the baby who would dunk her broccoli in her blueberry yogurt. Last night she told me “I don’t like chicken, I don’t like cheese, I don’t like an-thing!” Oh, and she followed that up with screaming.

Do you know what they do when they drop something in the back of the car when you are driving and can’t reach it? Scream. And if they are not screaming they are doing that weird hybrid between whining and crying that is worse than screaming.

Do you know who has zero regard for their own safety? You guessed it- 2 year-olds. My daughter is reckless! She might be pretty now, but if she keeps falling on her face I’m going to have to buy her a hockey mask. By the way, whoever invented coffee tables- Fuck you!

Do you know what my 2 year-old monster did to me yesterday? She was throwing a fit (shocker) and I was croutched (crowched?) down next to her trying to calmly reason with her. She put her hand up to my face and pushed me away with her palm. She is lucky I have been practicing my conscious breathing (and drinking a lot of wine) lately.

Did you know that 2 year-olds can do everything and nothing by themselves? They insist on ‘me do it!’ but are completely incapable of actually doing it. I know, parenting experts will tell you that this is an important part of their development and this is how they learn. Well that’s great but I actually am expected to be on-time occasionally. My daughter has landed on her face twice getting down from the car because ‘no no no mommy, me do it’. By the way, if you don’t let them do it themselves, they scream.

Do you know who can’t control where they vomit? 2 year-olds. Do you know where they like to vomit? Not in the toilet or the bucket you scoured (scowered? Why is spelling so hard?) the garage for. They like to puke on the carpet, the couch, or mommy/daddy. My daughter also likes to pee on the carpet. The other day she sat on the potty for 15 minutes and then peed on the walk from the bathroom to her room to get the diaper. F’ing 2 year-olds.

And lastly, do you know who is a waste of cuteness? 2 year-olds. Why a waste you ask? Because they will not let you take their picture! They either make the ridiculous cheese face, look away, or frown. I took like 746 pictures last weekend and I think I got two that she is looking at the camera and smiling in a non-psycho-baby way.

Oh, and I resent her for her super model hair.
photo

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photo (5)Dear Friends on Facebook,

Hi there. We don’t get to actually talk face to face much but I have a few things that I wanted to tell you.

First of all, to those of you that seem to be doing so great in your professional life- congratulations. I have very much enjoyed watching you over the past 4 years-or-so really come into your own. You are on a great path and you clearly worked very hard to get there. Good for you. I hope all of your blessings continue and that you always remember to be grateful for what you have. Have a glass of champagne- on me.

Now for the moms, you’re doing a great job! You guys make me laugh all the time, you make me feel normal, and you give me great ideas of things I can do with my own clan. I know it probably seems like I am really caught up with my own kids, but let me tell you- your kid(s) is/are super cute! I mean that. Just remember, even though you don’t always feel like it, you’re a good mom. Have a glass of wine- on me.

To the dads that are there doing their thing- you rock. I wish everyone had a chance to have an amazing dad in their lives. I know moms out there get a lot of attention, but dads are important too. You are appreciated and you’re doing a good job. You are just as capable as we are and we ladies love you for it. And, let’s face it, there is nothing in the world cuter than a man holding a baby. Have a beer- on me.

To the dog owners, your dog is so cute too! I just want to squeeze him (all dogs are boys…). In a lot of ways I am jealous. Dogs are much more loyal, they are always happy to see you, they can be left for a few hours at a time, you can go to target without them, and they can keep up on a run. You’re a good dog mom/dad. Same goes for cats, birds, flying squirrels, etc. Have a milk bone- on me.

To those of you who are pregnant, you look beautiful! Wow, you are exactly the right size. Look at you, creating life like it’s no big deal. You are amazing. And, to you that just had a baby, you look beautiful! Wow, you are exactly the right size. Look at you, delivering babies and caring for them night and day like it’s no big deal. You are amazing. Have a nap and a Cinnabon- on me (and then tell me about it….slowly).

To those of you still trying to figure your shit out, it’s cool. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. As long as you’re kind and hard working, it will come together. The people who are closest to you know how great you are and they will always believe in you even if you forget to yourself. Have a PBR- on me.

To those of you I don’t keep in touch with, I miss you. It might not always seem like it, but I do. I have no excuses necessarily because I know that doesn’t help anybody, but I wish I got to see you more. Remember that one time….? That was the best. I am at least grateful that I get glimpses at your life on the computer from time to time. Have one of those things we used to drink together- on me. (likely an O-bomb or busch lite)

To those of you that I may not have been kind to in the past, I am sorry. I talk about kindness on a lot and I worry that I may not have always behaved the best when I was younger. Please know, that if I hurt you in anyway, I am sorry. It was not personal. I was young and stupid. If I dated your boyfriend after you, it’s not because I was out to hurt you. It’s because 16-21 year old girls REALLY like 16-21 year old boys. If I ignored you in the hallway, it was likely unintentional and I’m sorry. If I was too caught up in my own non-sense to notice your non-sense, I’m sorry. 16 year olds are selfish. And, for those of you that were mean to me, it is all forgiven. There were more than a few nights someone’s insensitive comment had me in tears, but I like to believe that if you could do it over again you would. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll do my best to make sure my kids are kind and that we talk about the importance of putting others first. Have some humble pie- on me.

To the peeps that I pretty much only know because of facebook, I’m so glad we had a chance to meet. In any other time we would have continued to go our separate ways and now I have developed this interesting little relationship with you. I ‘like’ your comments, you ‘like’ my comments, you make me laugh, I worry about whether or not I am making you laugh. You shared that funny political thing that one time and I shared it because it was too good not to. You remember… Glad we’re friends now. Have a, uh, I have no idea what you like actually.

To those people who have had to go through some tough stuff lately, you have my heart. I cry with you, I laugh with you, I worry with you, and I remember with you even from a distance. You are not alone even though it might feel like it sometimes. Have a hug- on me.

To the idiots that disagree with me politically, don’t worry, I know you call me an idiot too. Isn’t that wonderful?! We can have healthy debates about the election one day (I’m moving to Canada!) and then be back to normal life the next day (I love pumpkin spice lattes!). Cheers to short term memories and knowing what really matters!

That’s what is great about this time we live in. We can look at the conveniences of this world and either scoff at the sometimes ridiculousness that it is, or we can marvel at it’s triumph. We can be grateful that we have this opportunity to stay in touch with, share our stories/work/art/lives with, and get support from hundreds of people on a daily basis. I am very grateful for that. I am very grateful to those of you who support me. I am very grateful that I had this opportunity to share these thoughts with all of you. Thank you for sharing your time/family/stories/ideas/life with me. ūüôā

(If you feel this way too, share this with your friends as well. In other words, share the love.)

Advice for New Moms

This post is inspired by my dear friend Deidre who was recently impregnated (way to go Greg!). I remember what it felt like to be pregnant and excited and bombarded by bad advice so I thought to myself, ‘I should give her more advice!’ So, this is for Deidre and Greg and all other expectant moms and new moms and old moms and women who are glad they are not moms.

preggers

1. Definitely Breast Feed! (Unless you can’t or don’t want to or have sore nipples. And if any one gets up on their high horse telling you what you should do with YOUR child and YOUR body can go kick rocks!)

2. Try your best every day! (Granted some days your best is crying on the inside of a locked bathroom door while your kids are crying on the other side of said door because you just want one goddamn minute to yourself!)

3. Definitely keep having sex with your husband- you’re welcome Greg. (Unless you are tired, or hungry, or full, or feel ugly because you’re so full)

4. Let your husband change the first 5 poopy diapers, even if you are feeling up to it. (It’s like tar and it doesn’t come off, and you go thru like 7 wipes, and you think ‘what am I doing wrong…. am I being punk’d?!’)

5. Definitley listen to all the advice you get, especially from your grandma and all her friends! (Yeah, because nothing has changed in 50 years! We are all lucky to be alive with the stomach sleeping and the whiskey on our gums and the second hand smoke!)

6. Never feel guilty- you’re a good mom! (We have ALL woken up from an accidental nap and panicked until we figured out where our kid was, we have ALL dropped our kid or dropped something on our kid, we have ALL let the baby cry until half time or a commercial break.)

7. Read to your infant every day for 20 minutes! (This always works out perfect-sarcasm font- They squirm, they cry, they drool, they rip pages, they pull your hair and punch you in the boobs. Wait, Sesame Street is kind of like reading, right?)

8. Breast feeding shouldn’t hurt if you’re doing it right. (LIARS! Why do they do that to us? For some lucky ladies out there this is true. Others not so much. If you have a particularly nazi-type-breast-feeding-mother-earth-type nurse tell her to go eat a granola bar. You’ll figure it out. If not, buy a pump.)

9. Do everything you can to prepare for delivery: read books, take classes, and make a birthing plan. (Again, this usually goes exactly as planned! Oh, you want to give birth on an exercise ball in a calm dark room with deep breathing, listening to chimes while eating hummus? You’re cute.)

10. Please, for the love of god, take awkward pregnancy photos and post them on Facebook! (Seriously, please do this. Like, one with you in just a bra and Greg shirtless holding an American flag while flexing a bicep. Just an idea, pick your own ridiculous scenario.)

11. Take pictures of your boobs a couple days after delivery! (You’ll just have to trust me on this one. They are hilarious and glorious!)

12. Join Pinterest! (God knows you can’t just have a baby shower or 1st b-day party or even just take regular pictures of your baby anymore. We all have to compete to see who can be the most creative! Oh… you mean you didn’t make a birthday crown out of an old pallet, a piece of burlap, and a paper clip!? Don’t disappoint us, we are all counting on you.)

13. Never raise your voice in anger at your children! (Well, unless they are being assholes.)

Hope that helps. Cheers! Well, at least cheers to you Greg.

I feel bad about my boobs

This is kind of a¬†Nora Ephron themed blog. The late-great writer wrote a book called ‘I feel bad about my neck’. Well, I’m 30 so I feel okay about my neck, but I do have other issues.

1. I feel bad about my boobs: When did I become someone who buys bras at Kohl’s? You know those commercials with the 18 hour bras? That has some how become my life. Cute push up bras with lace? Yeah….those are adorable as I stand perfectly still in front of a mirror in the dressing room. Bend forward 30 degrees and I’m no longer¬†IN the bra. It’s depressing. I walk around kind of wanting to punch high school girls in the face.

2. I feel bad about my stomach: Most of you moms out there can feel my pain here (those of you that can’t-¬†can suck it). But, after you have a baby, your stomach just isn’t the same. Yes, I could work out like a maniac and eat perfect, but I would still have extra skin and stretch marks. My first kid was almost 10 pounds! The funny thing is though- I don’t ‘want a flat tummy more than anything!’ I really like beer. I really like bread. I really hate ab work. I’ll stick to wearing high-waisted jeans and wanting to punch high school girls in the face.

3. I feel bad about my maintenance: What I mean by this is the amount of maintenance it takes to look good. What happened to the days where I could wake up, brush my teeth, throw my hair in a pony-tail and look adorable? I’ll tell you-¬†they’re long gone. Now I need to actually ‘do’ my hair, plan my outfits,¬†rip hair out of my face, wear make-up, etc etc etc. It takes a lot of effort to look effortlessly chic!

4. I feel bad about my clothes: Shopping sucks. I am too old for Forever 21 and too young for Coldwater Creek. (By the way, if you are over 30, you are also too old for Forever 21.) I¬†have to split my wardrobe between¬†‘work clothes’,¬†‘going out clothes’,¬†‘regular weekend casual clothes’.¬†Who has enough money to¬†dress all of their identities? I know who, f-ing high school girls! They only have one identity and that’s-¬†skinny bitch. Remember when your parents bought all of your clothes? Remember when you were so skinny that you could go in any store and everything looked good on you? Remember when your biggest problem was whether or not your dad would let you¬†wear that out?

Okay, obviously I have some issues with HS girls. I still remember a conversation that I had with my sister a couple years ago.

Brooke: I hate high school girls!

Me: Where did that come from?

Brooke: Why do HS girls get to be skinny? They’re¬†SOOO stupid.

At a glance, this might sound mean. But, dig a little deeper and there is actually something we can learn from this. When you are in HS your body is probably the best it is going to get (if not HS, college and early 20’s). However, so many of us wished we were thinner, taller, had bigger boobs. If you were jealous of my boobs, I was probably jealous of your stomach. We didn’t appreciate it then, but we sure miss it now.

What does this say about how we will feel 20 years from now?

I might feel bad about my boobs now, but when I look back when I’m 50, I bet I’ll have a different perspective. Somehow, we need to find away to look in the mirror and concentrate on the good. Maybe we should make it a goal: every day spend 1 min. looking in the mirror and naming things we like about our selves. Now this doesn’t mean to ignore things that are unhealthy. But, if we can respect and appreciate what we have, it may change our whole outlook on our self-worth and confidence. And, that may be the jump start you need for a better life.

I don’t know. Either that or start punching high school girls (in the face).

I’m a domestic goddess

My home an oiled machine

Just like Martha Stewart

Except I only cook, not clean

 

My house is never tidy

But I have happy kids

Laundry piles up

My tupperware- never lids!

 

We run around like maniacs

I cannot keep it straight

I never use my calendar

Too much on my plate

 

I love my kids and husband

Simple joys of motherhood

I rock heels with my diaper bag

I make moms look good!

 

I think my husband’s sexy

and he thinks I am too

I’m a mother AND a wife

Career? You know I do

 

I’m a domestic goddess

Like I previously said

The song said it best

Lady in the street; freak in the bed!

As a parent, you have a vision for your kids. You have a dream that you want for your family and for your children. I thought I would share my hopes and dreams for my little angels.

Dear Will and Ellis,

  • I hope you never pass up an opportunity to be kind. I hope that you care about your fellow-man. I hope that when you see pain, suffering, and injustice that it makes you sad. I hope you never become desensitized to the world that we live in. I hope you never forget that every life has value.
  • I hope that you like yourself. I hope that you have the confidence and strength to know yourself, trust yourself, and listen to yourself no matter what everyone else is saying. I hope that you will have the courage to make up your own mind and the determination to speak your mind when it matters.
  • I hope that you love each other. There are very few bonds like that of siblings. I hope that you realize all the arguing you are going to do is trivial and I hope that you remain best friends for life.
  • I hope you fall madly in love with books and learning. I hope that you study something that excites you and I hope you work in a field that doesn’t feel like work.
  • I hope that some day soon you will learn in school about how there USED to be discrimination against homosexuals. I hope that the country that you grow up in will open their eyes and realize that all people have the right to love each other.
  • I hope that you laugh a lot. I hope that your life is filled with joy. I hope that you are able to appreciate how great life is and all that you have. I hope that you are grateful for each and every blessing in your life and never take anything for granted.
  • I hope you remember how much mommy and daddy love you and that nothing will ever change that. I hope you know that you can tell us anything and we always be there for you.

Love,

Mom

I think it’s important to know what you want for your kids. I also think it is important to stay focused on your dreams. If you focus on what you want, you’ll recognize when you are moving in the wrong direction. What dreams do you have for you kids?

Weekly rant time! So, I was shopping today and saw a couple of bathing suits. I’ve been working out a lot lately, I lost some weight and thought I would give some bikinis a try. I know, I should know better by now, but I temporarily went crazy or something. Fast forward 15 minutes….. Depression.

Now I am a pretty confident chick. I feel really good about my ‘situation’ (I’m gesturing at all of me) 90% of the time. I’m not over weight, I have some muscles, I have boobs-¬†so pretty good. In fact, you put me in a bra and underwear and I wouldn’t be embarrassed in public. I am no Marissa¬†Miller,¬†but you wouldn’t kick me out of bed.¬†So why is it¬†that¬†you put me in the average bikini and I look the Michelin¬†man?! Why do I look like a 30-year-old mother of two?! Oh, wait…¬†

The thing is I’m not that weird shaped. What do women with difficult bodies to dress do? I have big boobs, but what do women with REALLY big boobs do? Whatever, I quit. I wish I could turn heads like I did in highschool, but who am I kidding? I’m a one-peice kind of gal I guess.

But, why do they have the technology to make me look great in a bra, but not in a bikini top? Why are the cups on a size 14 too small? Why can they make underwear that looks good on me, but not a bikini bottom? Why can they put a man on the moon and a woman in your iPhone, but not make a bathing suit that fits?!

Bathing suits are so flimsy on top and so tight on the bottom. It’s like they are trying to make sure you could go down extreme-mega-waterslides and not lose your bottoms. Well, bathing suit designers, listen up. Some one needs to make a line that¬†might not hold up on the high dive but doesn’t make your stomach look fat. I promise to just lay there and look pretty. You can even put a warning on the label, “Specifically designed for mothers who promise not to do any extreme sports. If you go tubing, you will lose your shit.” Thanks!

The Sh*t on TV

Okay, it is time for my weekly rant. I have touched on this concept a little before, but I hate the sh*t on TV-¬†especially the reality TV sh*t. Now, don’t get me wrong there are a couple of shows that I watch and love (Biggest Loser, Next Foodnetwork¬†Star, So You Think You Can Dance, etc.). Some people (my husband) might argue that these shows suck too, but I disagree. These shows, along with American Idol (which I don’t watch) all have people who¬†either have a real talent or are¬†trying to¬†improve their lives.¬†I am not against ALL reality shows, just the sh*tty ones (Jersey Shore, Bachelor, Real Housewives, Kardashians, Swamp People). I’m against the shows that are all about televising train wrecks. I’m against the shows that are all about looks and sex. I am against shows that exploit and make fun of ‘rednecks’. Have you seen the previews for ‘the Choice’ and ‘the Glass House’. Just kill me now!

To be clear, I don’t blame the networks-¬†I blame us. The viewers have all the power. We can choose not to watch these shows, not to buy the US weeklys, not to follow douche bags on Twitter. So, why do we do it? Is it a little Schadenfreude¬†(pleasure derived from the misfortune of others)? Does it make us feel better about ourselves? Or is it a mindless guilty pleasure? I’ve never watched Jersey Shore but I’m pretty sure listening to Snooki¬†talk would make me feel pretty good about myself. So we watch these shows to entertain us. Meanwhile we are making these people rich. We are making Snooki rich while teachers are making next-to-nothing. We are all to blame for ‘the situation’ we find ourselves in! (I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

It is¬†bad enough¬†for a 30 year old¬†to watch these shows, but what about our 16 year olds? What role models do our young girls have to look up to? These reality stars are idolized in our culture, but for what? For looks, for playing dumb on camera. This makes our daughters want to be like Kim Kardashian¬†and makes our sons want to date her. Why isn’t there a reality show about a pretty girl (not hyper-sexy) who works really hard in high-school, plays sports, gets good grades, doesn’t get pregnant, and get’s into a good school? I know- it’s not sexy enough; there isn’t enough drama.

But, like I said. We have the power. The next time there is nothing on TV- turn it off. Wouldn’t that be a great message for our kids, “There is nothing but¬†sh*t on TV so let’s turn it off and read a book.” Except, maybe don’t¬†swear at your kids.¬†Let’s make a commitment right here and now:

I will no longer watch any television show that has…

  • Women fighting over a man
  • Women playing dumb for the camera b/c she thinks it’s attractive
  • Women being exploited/taken advantage of
  • Young girls making poor decisions (i.e. teen pregnancy)
  • Men mistreating women
  • Celebs who are only famous for being famous, rich, or have a sex tape
  • Women bringing each other down to make themselves appear better/more attractive
  • Women that have to be slutty to be attractive
  • Men and Women who don’t have real jobs and party for a living
  • People suffering for our entertainment
  • Exploitation of poor, under-educated people

There, I got that off my chest. And, don’t even get me started on MTV. I have had a boycott on that sh*t for years!

Apparently every once in a while I need to rant about something. I am actually a very happy and mild-mannered person, but there are just some people who irk me. Here are the 5 that seem to irritate me more than others:

1. The Hipster: You know this guy. He always is asking you if you have heard of that new band or been to that new bar. He probably wears a scarf and is ‘effortlessly urban’.¬†Sorry, I am just not that cool. I guarantee I haven’t heard of that band or been to the cool place (although I do wear scarves a lot).

2. The Expert:¬†This is the person that knows everything there is to know about everything. You can be in the middle of a random conversation and they jump in with some little known, little cared about fact. I think of the movie Zombie Land when Woody Harrelson’s character says something like, “That’s like the penguins in the North Pole thinking that life is better at the South Pole.” and then Jesse Eisenberg’s character says, “Actually there are no penguins at the North Pole.” The response is the classic, “Want to feel how hard I can punch?” Because that is how you feel when you are around The Expert. Closely related to this guy is the ‘one-upper’; he sucks too but I wanted to keep the list at five.

3. The City Guy/Girl: (Usually seen hanging out with The Hipster) This is person who is always telling you why city life is superior to suburban life. They say things like, “what do you do for fun?” and “Isn’t it so boring?”¬†They act like it is impossible to have fun anywhere other than downtown. I seem to manage every weekend. Give me a 6 pack and a friend and¬†I can have a good time.¬†And,¬†yeah cities are nice for special¬†occasions and¬†museums, etc. but¬†I really¬†like having a yard and I never have to drive around looking for parking when I get home. When I hear a loud noise, I know that it is my crazy neighbor down the road with fireworks and not gun shots.

4. The Negative Nancy:¬†AKA Debbie Downer. This person can suck the energy out of a room in 3 seconds flat! “Wow, beautiful engagement ring. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 7 years and nothing!” She can bring you from ecstatic¬†to sad in no time flat and you don’t even know what happened. I hate this person on Facebook!

And last but not least (my personal favorite)

5. The ‘Cute’ Dumb Girl: The reason I say ‘cute’ is because she thinks it’s cute. Yeah, that is really¬†attractive. Giggle giggle, hair flip, I need a man to help me make decisions…. You are setting us back ladies. We are better than this. If we don’t want to make 75 cents to every man’s dollar we need to cut the crap. No more Kardashians, no more Real Housewives, no more Jersey Shore. We are making these women rich and it’s killing me!

If you like this post, share me on FB! I’ll be your best friend (unless you are one of the 5 listed above).

First of all I would like to say sorry Mom. I am not used to the fact that I am a married grown up who has a mom that reads her blog (and a mother-in-law, and maybe an aunt or two, and neighbors, etc).

I don’t know about you, but this is a hot topic in my household. I introduced this concept to my husband a while ago for his benefit. I explained that most nights there is a ‘sex window’.¬†By definition, the sex window is¬†the small window of time that sex is actually a¬†possibility. The window’s size is directly¬†correlated to how busy the couple is, how many kids they have, and how wonderful the husband is behaving. So, like a said, a small window.

A good example is when you first get home, you’re not too tired yet, you just poured a glass of wine…. the window is open. After the kids go to bed, your husband may have a good 15 minutes to make his move before the window slams shut and everyone waits til Friday.

The Kinsey Institute says that approx 26% of (approx. 30 year old) married couples are having sex 2-3 times per week.

Ladies, imagine if your husband told you ‘no thanks’ half the time you asked. Poor guys.

I am a firm believer that we should all be having more sex. Now, this doesn’t mean that I always heed my own advice, but we really should. Every single doctor, sexpert, book, magazine, and random blogger like me¬†says it– so why aren’t we doing it? We are tired, busy, in ruts, frustrated, and we don’t communicate. We all just got done reading 50 Shades of Grey, we are all in love with Christian Grey, and we all wish that¬†we had¬†that passion at home. Why can’t we?

So, here is my call to action. Let’s have more sex! Let’s have better sex! What is more important-¬†America’s Got Talent, or a happy marriage? When the sex window is open, tell your husband. Better yet, make a move. Give the poor guy a break. He has probably initiated the last 34 times (except that one night after your friends wedding¬†when you had 13 glasses of champaign- you know who you are).

Besides doing it more, we¬†should do it better. Pour a bottle of wine, have a talk with your husband. Without me¬†getting too weird, have an actual conversation about sex. If you are nervous, don’t be. He’ll love it and it’s your husband. Me and my husband were just talking about the sex window and he proposed new ‘Summer Hours’. Apparently day light savings time applies to sex as well.

Bottom line, you are the only thing standing in the way of a better sex life. Here’s you’re homework for the month: have sex 1 more time a week than you currently are. Tell your husband when the window in open. Have fun.