Category: Sex and Relationships


FullSizeRender (4)The other day, as I am getting ready for work, I looked down at the shit-show that is my bathroom sink. I mean, every surface covered! Makeup, bobby pins, hair-styling waxy stuff, face lotion, you name it. And this is coming from someone with no hair that wears little makeup! As I am noticing all my ‘stuff’, my husband walks in and swipe swipe- deodorant, brush brush- clean teeth, kiss kiss- off to work. Jerk. So, I decided it was time to write down my thoughts on the ridiculous double standards our society has for men and women.

Makeup:

Men- Good job on that face! Don’t change a thing…seriously!

Women- You better fix that shit or no one will ever love you. We’re gonna need you to spend about $1,000 a year on ‘product’. Men like you to be pretty and soft.

Clothes:

Men- Pants? Check! Shirt? Check! Brown shoes? Check! Black shoes? Check!

Women- Follow trends, but not too closely. Dress pretty, but not too flashy. Show some skin, but don’t be a tramp. Oh, and get some shoes that push you up on the balls of your feet and walk around like that all day. Men love that.

Reproduction:

Men- Yay sex!

Women- Periods, cramps, pregnancy, stretch marks, delivery, breast feeding, and default parent for the rest of your life.

Parenting:

Men- Where’s mom?

Women- Mom, mommy, mom, mommy, mama, mama, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hair:

Men- Having hair in places where your hair grows is not only awesome, it’s manly! Don’t change a thing.

Women- Even though that is where your hair literally grows out of your body, you’re gonna need to fix that shit. Preferably by ripping it out by the roots with hot wax. Wait wait… you’re not done -turn around and bend over this table.

Sounds about right. Did I miss anything??

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Are you like me?
Mommy Monster

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mad at your wifeWhen you are newly weds (and even before that) you get bombarded with advice. Everyone has ‘the secret to a happy marriage’ or ‘how to communicate with your husband’ advice. It is all well-intentioned and it is usually cliche. Possibly the most common (after ‘love like it’s never going to hurt’) is ‘never go to bed angry’.

I used to believe this.

To back up a little, my husband and I don’t fight much. If we do, we usually get over it pretty quickly. There is something to be said for knowing you’re ‘stuck’ with this other person and there is no point in arguing. I mean that in the most romantic way possible of course. ūüôā

When the fights do happen though, I always tried to beat them to death. I was desperate to prove how ‘right’ I was and get my husband to say ‘I’m sorry’. It was almost an obsession. And, rightly so- my husband is a master of the fake apology. You know, the ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ and the ‘I’m sorry you took what I said that way’ and the ‘I’m sorry you’re so ridiculously sensitive’. I may have made up that last one, but that is what I was hearing.

Well, on Saturday night, he made me angry. It is not important what it was about, but I wasn’t getting the appreciation or recognition that I wanted. I, naturally, picked a fight. We went back and forth for about 15 minutes. That is officially my husband’s time limit on arguments. At that point, he’ll throw his hands up and declare he’s done.

He went to bed.

I stewed.

Eventually, I went to bed. Angry.

When I woke up in the morning, I just went on with my day. Got my coffee, got the kids going, etc. I remembered being ‘mad’ at my husband, but the details were a little fuzzy. I remembered all of the things I said, but was struggling to remember what the trigger was. He woke up 30 mins. after me and didn’t even acknowledge what took place the night before. He was 100% over it. Not ‘over it’ in the sense that he was hoping I wouldn’t bring it up, but over it like ‘I literally don’t give 2 shits about the fight last night’. I found myself studying him for a minute and marveling at the man-brain. I was like a discovery channel zoologist. “You see the male brain moves on as if nothing has transpired.” So simple.

This is only half insult. The other half is me being jealous of the simplicity. Men typically will tell you what they think. They typically mean what they say. They tend not to over think in the way that women do. This is good for their own sanity, but gets them in trouble with us, often. We want them to solve the mystery that is the female brain. We want them to know what to say and when to say it. We have oddly high expectations for their simplistic male minds.

All I needed to do was to explain to my husband that I was feeling a little under-appreciated and ask him for some words of affirmation. He would have likely obliged. Sure, you could argue that I shouldn’t have to ask for it, but who are we kidding?

So, back to going to bed angry… I went to bed mad, woke up slightly irritated, and then over it by the time I finished my coffee. This may not work for your bigger problems, recurring themes, or unresolved issues, but for the little things it could be just what the doctor ordered. Nothing seems as bad after you sleep on it. When you force an argument to keep going, you start reaching, projecting, compounding…. A fight about putting laundry away turns into ‘you never appreciate me’, to ‘you don’t spend enough time with my family’, to ‘you’ve never really loved me!’

We have all seen this happen. We have all been a part of a fight where we couldn’t remember why it started. All we know is- we are pissed! This is our ego. This is the voice in the back of our head that says, “me being ‘right’ is more important than having peace”. I don’t know about you, but I would much rather be at peace and be happy and be in love than be ‘right’.

So, the next time you find yourself fighting, sleep on it. See how important it still is in the morning.

Anyways, that is my advice for the week… Take what you will. Consider reading the 5 Love Languages. It is awesome. Good read for you and your hubby (If you can get him to join you! But, I’ll save that for another post….)

couples feetIf you open any magazine, turn on any sitcom, or talk to any group of men, you will hear the same complaint- their wives/girlfriends never want to have sex. It’s always ‘something wrong with the women’ too. It’s never the men trying to figure out what he needs to do differently to engage her. But, that’s what happens in long-term relationships, right?! That is part of getting older, right?! But, I wonder: Does it have to?

Unlike most of the posts that I write, this one is for the men. So, women, share this with your men. And, men, read up! I’m going to try and get you laid. ūüôā

First we need to look at the reasons your girl is giving you when she is saying no:
1. She is too tired
2. She is too busy (which makes her too tired)
3. She is not in the mood
4. She has a head ache
5. She’s lying!

Now, I am not saying these are all lies. There is a lot of validity in these reasons. We (females) just don’t want “it” as much as you men. And, we ARE tired! But if your relationship is lacking, there may be something you can do about it.

This list is probably a little more accurate than what she is telling you and here’s what you can do about it.

1. She is too tired or too busy: Like I said, some of these are legit excuses. You want to have more sex with your wife? Make her less tired and busy! Help her with the cleaning, laundry, errands, etc. You can stop on your way home and get diapers! Don’t wait for her to ask either. Volunteer! Offer to cook or get dinner 1x per week so she doesn’t have to cook. Take over one of her ‘jobs’ (i.e. the bills, dog walking, bath time, etc.). There has to be something she is willing to unload. Take the kids out of the house on Saturday morning or tell her to leave! The less tired/busy/stressed, the more nookie.

2. She doesn’t feel sexy or desirable: Men CLEARLY don’t need to feel sexy to want to have sex. Women are different. If we feel fat or bloated or think are boobs are saggy or we haven’t showered or ______________(insert any of the 1,000 insecurities your lady is currently living with), we are not in ‘the mood’. Make sure your wife knows how good you think she looks- don’t assume- make sure she knows. Lay it on thick! Give her compliments, smack her ass while she is cooking, NOTICE when she loses 5 pounds, or send a flirty text (“I can’t stop thinking about how you looked in the shower this morning!”). Just make sure you do it in a loving way. You don’t want to be the equivalent of a guy whistling from construction site. And- warning- balance this with #3.

3. She doesn’t feel loved or cared for: I know, it’s not easy keeping a woman happy! This one is important though. Watching ESPN all night while monitoring your brackets on the lap top (Brent is currently saying, “you don’t know me!), and then at 9:30 looking at your lady and saying, “Wanna go upstairs?” winky face, is not going to cut it. Ignoring your wife all night will not lead to sex! Ask her about her day and actually LISTEN to her answer, cuddle on the couch without grabbing her boobs, give her a compliment when it can’t possibly lead to sex (i.e. Tell her how sexy she looks while she is on her way out the door in the morning), spend quality time with her, send her a text telling her that you are thinking about her- we love that shit! Show her some affection you jerk!

4. She only feels like a mom: “Moms” don’t like having sex. “Women” love having sex! Women need time away from her kids; women need ‘brain space’ away from their kids. We need a separate identity: friend, wife, etc. Your wife needs to go on dates (with you or not, your choice), she needs to go out with friends, etc. If the only identity your wife has is ‘mommy’- good luck. And, don’t just encourage her to do it, actually make it easy. Tell her you don’t mind staying home this weekend, arrange a baby sitter, plan the date, or take your kids to your parents house every Tuesday. She doesn’t need to add “plan a date night” to her to-do list. And, for the love of god, don’t act clueless when she is gone! She should NOT have to worry about you and the kids; you can handle it.

5. She’d rather…. read a book, take a bath, and watch the Biggest Loser. Ouch! I know, it’s hard to hear. Sometimes we really would rather watch NCIS. But, we might want to watch TV because we are tired (see #1). Or….maybe it’s because it’s not very exciting lately. Ouch again! But, let me ask you a question gentlemen: why do YOU think 50 Shades of Grey was so popular? It sure as shit wasn’t the writing! We would all like a little more passion, a little more excitement, and a little more….weirdness. You know what I mean- lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Sweet, romantic love is only gonna get your sex life so far. Ask her what she wants (give her wine first). Tell her what you want (drink whiskey first). Read a bood about how to please her. I promise you that if it is better, you’ll have it more often.

There, now you know our secrets men. Use this information for good.

Ladies: give your man a shot. Men are much more affectionate and helpful around the house when they are having regular sex. It’s like training a puppy. Positive reinforcement for good behavior! ūüôā

Lately my focus has greatly been on my health and fitness. I have started working out more, I signed up for the Tough Mudder, and I completely changed the way I eat. When I think about the ‘why’ behind the changes, I come up with a lot of really good answers! Here is a small sampling:

-Overall health
-Heart Disease
-Longevity
-Energy
-Setting a good example for my children
-Yada yada yada

Good answers right?! And, technically they are all true. I think all of these things are incredibly important. But if doesn’t really tell the whole story. When I think about my REAL motivation, it’s not on that list. In fact, it’s a little less ‘evolved’. If I am completely honest, the thing that makes me say YES to the treadmil and NO to the pasta is just that I want to look good naked. There, I said it. That is the #1 thing that motivates me. If I were a trainer, that would be my go-to. “Oh, you don’t want to lift weights? Do you want to look good naked?” Hell, if I was a doctor, that would be my go-to. It’s hard to motivate a 30 year old to do what is good for their 65 year old self. It is NOT hard to remind people of how they look every morning when they are getting out of the shower!

I know that this probably shouldn’t be my #1 motivator, but I am guessing I am not alone. I don’t know if this will always work for me; I might evolve. But, don’t hold your breath.

cave woman

But, isn’t this our most primal and natural desire? Haven’t we always wanted to be the cave woman that can attract the sexy cave man? Doesn’t looking good naked, usually mean that we are healthy? (Now please notice I am not using the word skinny. Skinny does not always equal sexy or healthy. Let’s be very clear on that.) We do this because we know that we need to look good naked if we want to have sex with other people that also look good naked. You have to be fit or rich- one or the other.

With that said, I do have more energy and my heart is healthier and I AM setting a good example for my kids. That stuff is all great. It’s ‘gravy’ as they say. My 65 year old self will be very grateful (especially because my 65 year old self is going to look good naked like Helen Miren)!

Last night on Candysbrain¬†blog facebook page, I posted a survey. I asked people to vote on the subject for my next blog. The choices were health and fitness, sex and relationships, family/mommy hood, or ‘other’. The winner was sex and relationships. I was trying to brainstorm a way to make this topic¬†light and fun, so I thought I would develop a challenge for all you married folks out there (or long-term relationships). Sex should be fun and be frequent. And, we’re all grown-ups here, right?

kissing couple

Everyone always talks about how people who are married never have sex. And, if they do it’s because they are trying to get pregnant. Also, if we were all honest with ourselves, we are not having 50 shades sex with our husbands (btw, if you are- I did NOT know that about you! I’m shocked! And impressed!) This should be fun. Make your spouse read it too so everyone knows the rules.

Over the next week, here is your challenge:

  • Have sex at least 3 times
  • At least one time has to be between Monday and Thursday (can’t save it all up for the weekend)
  • At least one time has to be somewhere other than the bedroom
  • The woman has to initiate at least 2 of the encounters
  • At least 1 of the sessions has to happen before 2pm

So, get creative. Enjoy each other. We are so good at ‘playing’ with our kids and ‘playing’ with our friends, but are serious with our spouses. Your homework: Go play with each other.

Oh, and when you’re done- you should tell us all about it ūüėČ

Yesterday I pull into the grocery store parking lot and park next to this tiny little car. It looked like one of those cars that may have been fast like 12 years ago, but now it’s just a POS with a big spoiler. Inside the car is a guy in his late 20’s, smoking a cigarette, and wearing sweat pants (mind you, it’s about 2:30 in the afternoon). This guy is unshaven and easily 30 pounds over weight. Now, I doubt I would normally¬†have ever even noticed this guy. I would have just breezed by. But, I couldn’t help but notice his bumper sticker: “No Fat Chicks”. What a douche! Looking back, I wish I would have taken a picture of him to show with this post, but hind sight is a mother…

Who does this guy think he is?! Now I am about to go off on a little rant here so bear with me. If you are a nice guy with realistic standards for women and have a healthy dose of self awareness, don’t worry- I’m not talking to you. On the other hand, if you are a single guy out there, over weight (yes, even that beer belly you’ve acquired since college that nobody is talking about),¬† and/or balding, but still manage to have expectations of what you need your girl to look like, here is your wake up call.

beer belly

Now don’t get me wrong, us ladies certainly like to look at the boys from magic mike and we drool over pro-football players, and we dream about the models in magazines. What we don’t do is expect our men to fit this image. That would be crazy! This is real life and people don’t often look like that. I mean… I do… but we’re not talking about me ūüôā . You are not going to find Jessica Biel. She dates rich guys with 6 packs. You are not going to find Erin Andrews. She dates rich guys with 6 packs who play pro sports.

Enough is enough. 99% of us don’t look amazing in a bikini. 99% of you don’t look amazing in briefs. Women now-a-days are expected to have boobs like Sophia Vergara, an ass like Kim Kardashian (btw, I kind of hope she gains 98 pounds), a face like Jessica Alba (I was going to say Scarlett but didn’t want to google how to spell her last name), clean like Martha Stewart, cook like Rachel Ray, and follow sports like Sage Steel (has to be made up name, right?).

Guys, you are lucky we even let you touch us. We are pretty, and soft, and we smell good. You are lucky we don’t just date each other. Get it together.

And for those of you like Mr. Trashtastic with the bumper sticker who feel the need to put other people down because they don’t fit your simple minded view of what is attractive, you can go f yourself. I know I sound angry…because I am angry! You should be too. This guy is insulting half the population from afar every day he is out on the road. People that struggle with their weight, who know exactly what they look like, and are minding their own business, stop at a¬†red light and BAM! Insult. What a dick face.

Those of you that know me, know that I have a sense of humor. I find offensive things funny all the time. I am offensive a lot of the time! But if you are going to offend, you need to be funny. No Fat Chicks is not funny. It’s stupid, it’s cliche, it’s immature, and it’s obnoxious.

Men, you’ve been warned.

I know, the title is a little dramatic, but I’m trying to make a point here. I think there are so many parts of our every day life that are ‘killing’ us. We have to walk around with blinders and filter every thing that gets thrown in our faces. One of the things that is destroying us is Romantic Comedies! More specifically they are destroying our relationships.

Now, I’ll give 90% of you the benefit of the doubt that you don’t think Romantic Comedies are realistic, but the culture and themes behind them seep through. I think we all know Matthew McConnaughey is not going to throw his body between us and a shark and then save the world from a meteor all while Channing Tatum is trying to strip his way into our hearts and memories! The problem is we all expect to find the ‘one’ for us. We believe that we will ‘just know’ when that person is the right one. We believe that there must be some sort of problem when marriage becomes work, because would true love ‘be this hard?’

What we need to realize is that bliss that they show in the movies, is the infatuation phase. This is the first 6 months to 2 years of pure joy. Your significant other can do no wrong. They are the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing before you fall asleep. You are obsessed. This does not last, and it’s a good thing it doesn’t. Nobody would ever¬†get anything done! This phase is going to end, it is just a matter of when. This phase the ladies always have shaved legs and always look their best. This phase the men don’t mind missing a night out with the buddies to stay home with his girl. This phase the sex is amazing and exciting and frequent. This phase is easy.

The next phase is the uncertainty phase or drama phase. We are starting to worry, is this the ‘one’? Is he going to propose? We plan the wedding, move in, maybe have babies. This phase is jam packed¬†full of a different kind of excitement. There is worry, fear, stress, excitement, new challenges, etc. In this phase you don’t focus too much on the actual relationship or your feelings for each other- you’re too busy.

The third phase is where things get interesting. This could be after you’re done having kids, this could be after the honeymoon is over (literally), or maybe this is the 7 year itch everyone is always talking about. Maybe you woke up one morning and realized that you and your husband spent so much time loving your kids that you didn’t worry about loving eachother. Maybe, the man who was ‘courting you’ all those years has disappeared. Maybe, everyone else is happy, but ‘mommy’ doesn’t even remember who she was before she was ‘mommy’. This phase is no-doubt the hardest phase, but is also the most rewarding.

This is when we need to remember that romantic comedies are stupid! During phase 3 we start to think that the grass looks awfully green over there. We start to compare our lives to what we think they should be, to what we think other people might have. Meeting someone new is very exciting, but that just isn’t fair. A spouse, no matter how amazing, can never compete with someone new! We need to remember that. We need to remember that no matter how tempting something seems to be, that we would be in the same boat with this new person in 5, 7, or 10 years. I don’t remember where I saw this, but I read something about how we can’t keep comparing our un-edited lives to everyone else’s highlight reels. How brilliant is that?!

In phase 3, what we need to start doing is finding ways to love our spouses. We know how to love our children. That part is easy. Let’s take the focus away from them for a little while and direct that towards our spouses. Stop focusing on what you don’t like, and start focusing on what you do. Instead of nagging, start appreciating. I’ve said it before, but what if instead of complaining that your husband is home late from work, you said thank you to him for working so hard for his family. For the husbands, instead of complaining to your wife that you never have sex anymore, try touching her without the goal of sex. You know, like holding her hand, cuddling on the couch.

In this phase, we need to ignore all the bullshit and just focus on loving what we have. We can’t keep living lives where we don’t appreciate what is right in front of us because we are always looking to upgrade. It’s your family, not a cell phone (that’s stupid too, but cell phones are a different post all-together). And for those of you who haven’t gotten to phase 3 yet, don’t worry. You will get there, but it doesn’t have to be scary. Just know that it is coming and don’t lose focus on the #1 most important relationship in your life.

This is my classified ad for what’s missing in my life. No offense to current lady friends. I’m just a little weird. For some reason I am more comfortable around men and tend to like traditional ‘male’ activities more than ‘female’ ones.

It all started when my husband was going on his annual ‘Man Weekend’. This consists of a bunch of dudes going up north for a weekend to drink beer, sit around a fire, golf thru the woods, drink beer, sleep in a cabin, drink beer, and come home smelly. This should NOT sound like a good time to a girl, but that is exactly what I want to do on a weekend get-a-way! Needless to say, I was jealous. I was a bit of a whiner. Shocking, I know.

Well, my husband is pretty great and encouraged me to plan my own weekend get-a-way with my girlfriends. However, my girlfriends would not want to do that. Don’t get me wrong, I know I can talk them into a girls trip; I just can’t talk them into one with beers, woods, and no showers. They would rather stay at a bed and breakfast, do a spa day, maybe some shopping, nice dinner, and wine. I don’t blame them. They are the normal ones. I remember last year my friend called me to invite me to go antiquing with all the wives on Sunday while the boys watched football. I had to politely try to explain that I would rather sit around with a bunch of dudes watching football and drinking beer than shopping. (I like to shop, but only by myself. Girls take too long.)

I’m sure my friends get mad at me. They probably should. It’s not that I don’t love girls, I do! I love my friends. I just feel like I fit in better with men.

But, here’s the problem: a married woman can’t hang out with dudes all the time, it’s weird. Can you imagine leaving my husband home with the kids while I go on a man weekend? Yeah right. I can hang out with my husband and his friends (my friends too) but I’m sure they want some time away from chicks, and then we have to get a sitter. I have a guy friend that I have known since I was 14, but it would be weird if the 2 of us went out for a bite to eat and drinks.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me, but then I get over it. Why dwell on it? Just because I am different doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I shouldn’t try to do things when I know I won’t enjoy it. Life is too short.

So, my only solution is to try to find some women that also like to drink and gamble and watch sports and play bags and communicate only by texts. That should be a piece of cake, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Men are not complicated, they are not confusing- they are not women. Here are things that are true about 90% of men.

¬†1. They can’t read our minds and wish we would just tell them what we want. If you want a party for your birthday, or you want him to help more, or you are annoyed about something- tell him. Men aren’t that smart. ūüôā

 2. They think confidence is sexy and insecurity is annoying. They do not want to constantly tell you that you look good and reassure you for the 100th time that you are not fat. Confidence (but not cocky) is refreshing.

¬†3. They really want their friends to like you. If you can win over the guys, it’s a big deal. If you want to be a keeper- this is a must.

¬†4. You don’t need a Cosmo subscription to please a man in bed.¬†They just want a little enthusiasm. There are not ’75 Ways to Drive Your Man Crazy in the Sack’. There’s like 4- just get good at them.

¬†5. They like to watch/talk about/play sports. If you don’t want for this to be a constant fight you have to either learn to watch and enjoy with him or allow time where it’s okay that he does it without you. I recommend picking at least one that you like more than the others and watch with him. I love football and am usually in 2 fantasy football leagues. Trust me the first time you say something like, “I think I am going to draft Ray Rice really¬†early because I’m in a point per reception league” he’ll spit out his beer.

First of all I would like to say sorry Mom. I am not used to the fact that I am a married grown up who has a mom that reads her blog (and a mother-in-law, and maybe an aunt or two, and neighbors, etc).

I don’t know about you, but this is a hot topic in my household. I introduced this concept to my husband a while ago for his benefit. I explained that most nights there is a ‘sex window’.¬†By definition, the sex window is¬†the small window of time that sex is actually a¬†possibility. The window’s size is directly¬†correlated to how busy the couple is, how many kids they have, and how wonderful the husband is behaving. So, like a said, a small window.

A good example is when you first get home, you’re not too tired yet, you just poured a glass of wine…. the window is open. After the kids go to bed, your husband may have a good 15 minutes to make his move before the window slams shut and everyone waits til Friday.

The Kinsey Institute says that approx 26% of (approx. 30 year old) married couples are having sex 2-3 times per week.

Ladies, imagine if your husband told you ‘no thanks’ half the time you asked. Poor guys.

I am a firm believer that we should all be having more sex. Now, this doesn’t mean that I always heed my own advice, but we really should. Every single doctor, sexpert, book, magazine, and random blogger like me¬†says it– so why aren’t we doing it? We are tired, busy, in ruts, frustrated, and we don’t communicate. We all just got done reading 50 Shades of Grey, we are all in love with Christian Grey, and we all wish that¬†we had¬†that passion at home. Why can’t we?

So, here is my call to action. Let’s have more sex! Let’s have better sex! What is more important-¬†America’s Got Talent, or a happy marriage? When the sex window is open, tell your husband. Better yet, make a move. Give the poor guy a break. He has probably initiated the last 34 times (except that one night after your friends wedding¬†when you had 13 glasses of champaign- you know who you are).

Besides doing it more, we¬†should do it better. Pour a bottle of wine, have a talk with your husband. Without me¬†getting too weird, have an actual conversation about sex. If you are nervous, don’t be. He’ll love it and it’s your husband. Me and my husband were just talking about the sex window and he proposed new ‘Summer Hours’. Apparently day light savings time applies to sex as well.

Bottom line, you are the only thing standing in the way of a better sex life. Here’s you’re homework for the month: have sex 1 more time a week than you currently are. Tell your husband when the window in open. Have fun.