Here is a quick list of the things I dare you to say to (or around) me. Go ahead, try it, we’ll see what

1. “You look tired, are you getting sick?”
This is a euphemism for ‘you look like sh*t’ today. There is no other innocent explanation for this comment. If you don’t have anything nice to say….

2. “Doesn’t it kill you that you are missing these most precious moments not being home with your kids?”
This is the sh*t that pisses me off the most! First of all, it’s none of your business. Second of all, I am NOT missing the most precious moments. I am there every day after work and every weekend doing the absolute best job I know how for my kids. Who said that the best way to raise kids was to be with them every second anyway? Third of all, my kid is going to be a well rounded individual that sees me as something else besides a mommy. Fourth of all, it’s none of your business. And, lastly, you know how many times my husband has been asked this question? Zip! Apparently having a vagina makes me more obligated.

3. “Ginormous, Fantabulous, Cray, Swag” (and so many more)
If you are over 13 and say any of these things, you should get slapped. In fact, that should be the new social norm. You say one of these things in public and the closest stranger should be allowed required to slap you in the face.

4. “Oh your kid doesn’t _______ yet?” (or any other condescending dick-head thing about my kids)
These comments are usually followed up with a comparison to the speaker’s perfect child or with a condolence about how you ‘shouldn’t worry’, and ‘that it will happen soon’. Puke. Mind your own business. My kids are off limits (unless you want to praise them).

5. “Is your husband baby-sitting tonight?”
No, he’s not f-ing baby-sitting. He is an equal parent, with equal parenting qualifications and responsibilities. He is no more or less obligated or capable.

6. “I expect my girl to be ______________” (said in douchey guy voice)
It really doesn’t matter what fills in that blank, it’s all bad. Your ‘girl’ or ‘woman’ should not be expected to be anything (tall, skinny, pretty, shaved, etc)! I am so sick of men over estimating their own value and having these unrealistic expectations for women. We all know at least one guy out there with a beer belly who’s losing his hair and is still expecting to find a hot chick with a flat tummy. How dare you tell a woman what she needs to be for you! I just pray she is not dumb enough to play along.

I’m glad I got all of that off my chest. There are a lot of dumb people out there saying really dumb things. Maybe if they started getting punched, they would think before they spoke.


*I have never actually punched anyone, and am pretty sure it would hurt my hand too much.