Tag Archive: drinking

Me, drunk

This weekend my husband and I were discussing how predictable I am when I am drinking. We were at a holiday party, but this could be weddings, birthdays, Tuesdays, etc. We were able to name quite a few behaviors that are pretty consistent. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, here is a little peek into my world when I drink.vegas pic

1. I LOVE YOU! I do! I love you. I want to give you high-fives and hugs and we should totally hang out more often. Why DON’T we hang out more often? Everyone is my best friend and we have a lot to talk about.

2. I LOVE THIS SONG! I do! I love that song and I haven’t heard it in years and I know every word. And, not only do I know every word, I will rap along and would like for you to shut up and listen. You should be impressed with my white girl rapping skills and you should tell me about it. I pretty much like everything from Jethro Tull to Too Short and everything in between (Except Pink, I really don’t like Pink. Or, Kelly Clarkson. Or, Taylor Swift. But everything else is my favorite).

3. I am easily offended! Don’t get me wrong, I love you, but “what is that supposed to mean?!” I can easily take an innocent comment and turn it into some kind of insult. Here is an example (made up for storytelling purposes).

Me: (singing along to some amazing song that I haven’t heard in years)

Brent (my husband): I don’t think those are the right words.

Me: What? You don’t think I know the words to Candyman’s Knocking the Boots?! What are you trying to say? What? Do you think I’m too drunk? You’re the one that’s drunk! Oooh, boy I love you so. Never ever ever gonna let you go. Oooh, boy I love you so…..

4. I dance! Now, I take great pride in my drunk dancing. I do the typical drunk white girl dancing with the arms in the air, eyes closed, woohoo, etc. But, I also like to prove that I have non-white girl moves so I am also trying to drop it like it’s hot, and demonstrate that my hips (much like Shakira’s) don’t lie.

5. I will beat you at that game! I am serious. If it is a game that can be done while drinking, I will win. And, if by some miracle, I don’t win- I don’t love you anymore. It could be bean bags, beer pong, darts, quarters…..Hell, it could be throwing wads of paper into a bucket- I will beat you. I have like a 2-10 drink range where I excel. Before 2, I’m not loosened up yet. After 10, all bets are off: I’ll be playing darts, having 4 different conversations, oooh, I love this song! Seriously, why don’t we hang out more?

Some co-workers and I were talking about this the other day and laughing. A bunch of us just turned 30 and decided some changes have to be made at our advanced age. Here’s what I think:

1. You can no longer drink so much that you puke the next day! I will say this to myself over and over from now on when I go out on the weekends (which almost never happens anymore). We need to face facts. Long gone are the days where we can sleep til 12pm, get McDonalds for lunch, take a nap, and start all over again. I have found that my kids are just as energetic no matter how much I drank the night before.

2. You can not go to work hung over! This kind of goes along with the previous comment. There is no excuse for this. Thursdays are no longer an extension of the weekend. You’re a grown up and therefore the weekend starts after work on Friday. You get two days- that’s it. It sucks, I know.

3. Ladies: You can no longer where odd number clothing! Remember that store ‘5-7-9’? Yeah, you were 11. Those sizes are for teenagers, not for 30 year olds. If you have a pair of those in your closet and you are trying to diet your way to your skinny jeans, give it up. Women have hips, girls don’t. Deal with it.

4. Ladies: You can no longer pull off extreme low rise pants! I should never see the underwear of a 30+ year old woman hanging out the back of her pants. It shouldn’t happen with teenagers either but they are stupid and skinny so they can get away with it.

5. You can no longer avoid avoid warm ups/stretching for work outs! Remember the days where you could just jump into a pick up game WITHOUT getting sore? Kiss them good bye. It’s amazing how easily you can hurt yourself doing something you would never think twice about at 18. Take the 5 minutes to stretch, your old brittle muscles will thank you.

6. You can no longer under-appreciate your parents! If you have kids, you should know what I mean, but this goes for everyone. By now you should be mature enough to realize what your parents went thru to make a good life for you. They sacrificed a lot for you, they loved you more than you know, and raised you the best way they knew how. Call your mom.

7. You can no longer be an idiot on Facebook! You can’t spill your dirty laundry, you can’t talk shit about a friend, you can’t post inappropriate pictures, you can’t get way too personal! It makes the rest of us feel uncomfortable and we wish you would stop.