Dear Friends on Facebook,

Dear Friends on Facebook,

Hi there. We don’t get to actually talk face to face much but I have a few things that I wanted to tell you.

First of all, to those of you that seem to be doing so great in your professional life- congratulations. I have very much enjoyed watching you over the past 4 years-or-so really come into your own. You are on a great path and you clearly worked very hard to get there. Good for you. I hope all of your blessings continue and that you always remember to be grateful for what you have. Have a glass of champagne- on me.

Now for the moms, you’re doing a great job! You guys make me laugh all the time, you make me feel normal, and you give me great ideas of things I can do with my own clan. I know it probably seems like I am really caught up with my own kids, but let me tell you- your kid(s) is/are super cute! I mean that. Just remember, even though you don’t always feel like it, you’re a good mom. Have a glass of wine- on me.

To the dads that are there doing their thing- you rock. I wish everyone had a chance to have an amazing dad in their lives. I know moms out there get a lot of attention, but dads are important too. You are appreciated and you’re doing a good job. You are just as capable as we are and we ladies love you for it. And, let’s face it, there is nothing in the world cuter than a man holding a baby. Have a beer- on me.

To the dog owners, your dog is so cute too! I just want to squeeze him (all dogs are boys…). In a lot of ways I am jealous. Dogs are much more loyal, they are always happy to see you, they can be left for a few hours at a time, you can go to target without them, and they can keep up on a run. You’re a good dog mom/dad. Same goes for cats, birds, flying squirrels, etc. Have a milk bone- on me.

To those of you who are pregnant, you look beautiful! Wow, you are exactly the right size. Look at you, creating life like it’s no big deal. You are amazing. And, to you that just had a baby, you look beautiful! Wow, you are exactly the right size. Look at you, delivering babies and caring for them night and day like it’s no big deal. You are amazing. Have a nap and a Cinnabon- on me (and then tell me about it….slowly).

To those of you still trying to figure your shit out, it’s cool. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. As long as you’re kind and hard working, it will come together. The people who are closest to you know how great you are and they will always believe in you even if you forget to yourself. Have a PBR- on me.

To those of you I don’t keep in touch with, I miss you. It might not always seem like it, but I do. I have no excuses necessarily because I know that doesn’t help anybody, but I wish I got to see you more. Remember that one time….? That was the best. I am at least grateful that I get glimpses at your life on the computer from time to time. Have one of those things we used to drink together- on me. (likely an O-bomb or busch lite)

To those of you that I may not have been kind to in the past, I am sorry. I talk about kindness on a lot and I worry that I may not have always behaved the best when I was younger. Please know, that if I hurt you in anyway, I am sorry. It was not personal. I was young and stupid. If I dated your boyfriend after you, it’s not because I was out to hurt you. It’s because 16-21 year old girls REALLY like 16-21 year old boys. If I ignored you in the hallway, it was likely unintentional and I’m sorry. If I was too caught up in my own non-sense to notice your non-sense, I’m sorry. 16 year olds are selfish. And, for those of you that were mean to me, it is all forgiven. There were more than a few nights someone’s insensitive comment had me in tears, but I like to believe that if you could do it over again you would. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll do my best to make sure my kids are kind and that we talk about the importance of putting others first. Have some humble pie- on me.

To the peeps that I pretty much only know because of facebook, I’m so glad we had a chance to meet. In any other time we would have continued to go our separate ways and now I have developed this interesting little relationship with you. I ‘like’ your comments, you ‘like’ my comments, you make me laugh, I worry about whether or not I am making you laugh. You shared that funny political thing that one time and I shared it because it was too good not to. You remember… Glad we’re friends now. Have a, uh, I have no idea what you like actually.

To those people who have had to go through some tough stuff lately, you have my heart. I cry with you, I laugh with you, I worry with you, and I remember with you even from a distance. You are not alone even though it might feel like it sometimes. Have a hug- on me.

To the idiots that disagree with me politically, don’t worry, I know you call me an idiot too. Isn’t that wonderful?! We can have healthy debates about the election one day (I’m moving to Canada!) and then be back to normal life the next day (I love pumpkin spice lattes!). Cheers to short term memories and knowing what really matters!

That’s what is great about this time we live in. We can look at the conveniences of this world and either scoff at the sometimes ridiculousness that it is, or we can marvel at it’s triumph. We can be grateful that we have this opportunity to stay in touch with, share our stories/work/art/lives with, and get support from hundreds of people on a daily basis. I am very grateful for that. I am very grateful to those of you who support me. I am very grateful that I had this opportunity to share these thoughts with all of you. Thank you for sharing your time/family/stories/ideas/life with me. 🙂

(If you feel this way too, share this with your friends as well. In other words, share the love.)

FB Statuses You Never See

For some odd reason you never see the following as FB statuses:

1. I’m on the toilet right now reading thru all of your updates. I ‘liked’ that picture of your dog while pooping.

2. I chose to go to Burger King today instead of the gym. I’m either self-sabotaging or coming to grips with my mediocre body.

3. Wow that was some great loving last night! Thanks honey. with (insert tag here)…..

4. My kids really aren’t that cute and are of average intelligence.

5. Man, more drama in my life! Hmmm, I wonder if I am some how contributing to all the drama that seems to follow me around???

6. I’m not that good of a mom. I spend A LOT of time at the bar!

7. I secretly spy on you with (insert tag here). I want to see your boobs with (insert tag here). I actually hate you but remain your ‘friend’ because it is too entertaining to look away with (insert tag here).

8. How many times a week can you masterbate before it gets weird?

The People of Facebook

These are the people of FB. Now, to be clear, these are not all a bad thing. I don’t know what I would do without some of you dear friends that are also Moms, or drunks, or stalkers.

1. The Addict: This is the person who checks their phone in the middle of the night when it beeps because they can’t wait 4 hours to see who ‘liked’ their comment about Obamacare. This person can’t get through the day without re-charging their phone.

2. The Party Girl/Drunk Guy: This person is hilarious. Every picture of the party girl is one of her at a bar, with a drink in her hand either- a. yelling woo-hoo, b. throwing a fake-white-surbuban-girl-gang-sign (tongue out), or c. or grinding with one of her girl-friends on the dance floor. The drunk guy is reliable for the random posts at 1am about the BEST SONG EVER MADE, or how tonight was ‘epic’, or how’ stoopid biatches be trping at the bar 2nite’, etc. You  know who you are. No offense-you entertain me.

3. The Self Portrait Artist: Ooh, is that a new picture of you sitting at your desk? Is that a picture of you in front of the mirror? Is that a new t-shirt or just a close up of your boobs? It’s one thing to post pictures of you and other people, or a picture someone else took, but it’s a little weird when you are just turning your phone around to take yet another picture of yourself and then sharing it with your 400 closest friends.

4. The Mom: Okay, guilty! I know. This is me. I know that a lot of you don’t want to see an update on my kids latest developmental milestone every day. Well, you can suck it. The Mom posts things like, “Man, my baby just wants to breast feed all day!” “Look at my baby, isn’t she precious?” You gotta see the baaabbbyyy!

5. The Drama Seeker/Attention Whore: I have talked about this person before. You know the person that leaves vague whiny FB posts constantly? Either leave the details or don’t post anything! No more, “OMG, back to the ER!” or “Got the worst news at work today!” Don’t go fishing for concern on FB. And so help me god, if I hear one more person complain about ‘all the drama’ I will lose my shit.

6. The Self Promoter: I am a little (okay, a lot) guilty here too, but you know these people. They have 4,329 friends and are always promoting a business or something else they support. I don’t blame them though, in this day and age, this is probably the best media for it.

7. The Stalker: There are two types of stalkers. The first is the more traditional stalker that is constantly keeping tabs on ex-girlfriends, unrequited love, etc. The second is the person that is constantly on FB and sees everything, but never posts anything themselves. They are just on to read what everyone else has to say. Nothing gets past them.

8. The Work-out Post-er: This person has never worked out with telling everyone they know. ‘I just crushed that 9 miler! What did you do this morning?’ We get it, you are really in shape. We get it, you’re not hung-over like we are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. The Idiot: This person is probably a little bit of everything from this list, but what truly makes them an idiot is that think there are no consequences for what they post. They post offensive things, pictures that shouldn’t be shared, way too personal of information. I tell you right now, there are some of you that I would NOT hire if I were in a position to do so. Come on people, once it goes on the web, it never comes down. There are nerds out there (way smarter than you) that can find it and it could come back to haunt you.

10. Oh, and Your Mom!