Tag Archive: friends on facebook


The People of Facebook

These are the people of FB. Now, to be clear, these are not all a bad thing. I don’t know what I would do without some of you dear friends that are also Moms, or drunks, or stalkers.

1. The Addict: This is the person who checks their phone in the middle of the night when it beeps because they can’t wait 4 hours to see who ‘liked’ their comment about Obamacare. This person can’t get through the day without re-charging their phone.

2. The Party Girl/Drunk Guy: This person is hilarious. Every picture of the party girl is one of her at a bar, with a drink in her hand either- a. yelling woo-hoo, b. throwing a fake-white-surbuban-girl-gang-sign (tongue out), or c. or grinding with one of her girl-friends on the dance floor. The drunk guy is reliable for the random posts at 1am about the BEST SONG EVER MADE, or how tonight was ‘epic’, or how’ stoopid biatches be trping at the bar 2nite’, etc. You  know who you are. No offense-you entertain me.

3. The Self Portrait Artist: Ooh, is that a new picture of you sitting at your desk? Is that a picture of you in front of the mirror? Is that a new t-shirt or just a close up of your boobs? It’s one thing to post pictures of you and other people, or a picture someone else took, but it’s a little weird when you are just turning your phone around to take yet another picture of yourself and then sharing it with your 400 closest friends.

4. The Mom: Okay, guilty! I know. This is me. I know that a lot of you don’t want to see an update on my kids latest developmental milestone every day. Well, you can suck it. The Mom posts things like, “Man, my baby just wants to breast feed all day!” “Look at my baby, isn’t she precious?” You gotta see the baaabbbyyy!

5. The Drama Seeker/Attention Whore: I have talked about this person before. You know the person that leaves vague whiny FB posts constantly? Either leave the details or don’t post anything! No more, “OMG, back to the ER!” or “Got the worst news at work today!” Don’t go fishing for concern on FB. And so help me god, if I hear one more person complain about ‘all the drama’ I will lose my shit.

6. The Self Promoter: I am a little (okay, a lot) guilty here too, but you know these people. They have 4,329 friends and are always promoting a business or something else they support. I don’t blame them though, in this day and age, this is probably the best media for it.

7. The Stalker: There are two types of stalkers. The first is the more traditional stalker that is constantly keeping tabs on ex-girlfriends, unrequited love, etc. The second is the person that is constantly on FB and sees everything, but never posts anything themselves. They are just on to read what everyone else has to say. Nothing gets past them.

8. The Work-out Post-er: This person has never worked out with telling everyone they know. ‘I just crushed that 9 miler! What did you do this morning?’ We get it, you are really in shape. We get it, you’re not hung-over like we are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. The Idiot: This person is probably a little bit of everything from this list, but what truly makes them an idiot is that think there are no consequences for what they post. They post offensive things, pictures that shouldn’t be shared, way too personal of information. I tell you right now, there are some of you that I would NOT hire if I were in a position to do so. Come on people, once it goes on the web, it never comes down. There are nerds out there (way smarter than you) that can find it and it could come back to haunt you.

10. Oh, and Your Mom!

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I realized something last week- I’m old. I don’t really mean this in a bad way. I am 30. It’s not like I need to have a crisis or anything. I am just a little bit old.

What happened was, I was looking on Facebook and realized there were like 15 big 4th of July parties that were going on. There were posts everywhere between mostly my high school and college friend about who was going where to do what. I quickly realized that I was invited to zero of these parties.

At first this made me sad. I started to mourn my younger self who was always invited to parties and always had a blast. After I got past the sadness I moved on to anger and resentment: “What, now that I have kids I’m no longer invited anywhere? Just because I haven’t been out in a while everyone just forgets to include me?” Mind you, this lasted approximately 30 seconds before I came to my senses.

What I realized shortly after that is – I would have said ‘no’. And, I wouldn’t have said no because I didn’t have a sitter, or because I was too busy, I would have said no because I wouldn’t have wanted to go. Simple as that. I would have made an excuse, but bottom line, a giant party in the city doesn’t appeal to me anymore. The traffic is terrible, where do you park, how do you get home or where do you sleep? etc. And THAT is when I realized- I’m old. That sounds exhausting!

Now don’t get me wrong, I love to be with friends and I love to have a good time, but I like it to be convenient. I am really f-ing busy! I don’t like to have to stress out about weekend plans too. I have enough on my plate. Is it too much to ask that I never have to leave my house and all of my friends will always come to me? Okay, maybe that’s too much. But maybe we can stick to Lake County, and only go to places with adequate parking. Oh, and I never want to worry about driving.

I like sleeping next to my husband in my own bed, with a glass of water next to me on the nightstand. If this means I’m old, I guess I don’t want to be young again. Oh well, another chapter closes. Although I will say that so far I have liked 30 more than 20. We’ll see how the next 10 years play out.