Tag Archive: funny

I don’t know how ‘aware’ of your age you are, but I feel like lately the universe has been trying to remind me. Like, every-day-remind-me! Does anyone else still think of themselves as 24? I’m stuck there. In reality, people that are 24 probably look at me with my 2 kids at target and guess I’m 37. (my actual age is less than that AND none of your business). You see, I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself lately. Pretty, pretty, pretty, good. (high five yourself for getting the reference). I lost about 15 pounds, been eating right, I’m on a path to enlightenment, and feeling a little smug about all of it. Well, in order to ground myself, here is some information I thought I would share.

Do the things on this list if you would like to be knocked down a peg or two:

1. Go and try on some clothes at Target. Use the big dressing room so you can catch your reflection in 360 degrees of over-head fluorescent light brilliance. I promise you, you’ll want to throw up. Wrinkles, bags under your eyes, cellulite you’ve never seen before, and humiliation in one big-box-affordable package! (remember abs?)abs

2. When is the last time you did a cartwheel? Go ahead, I’ll wait…. How’s your groin? (unless of course you are my sister who does cartwheels with ease)brooke

3. I forgot all math. When Will gets to 3rd grade I’m going to have to hire someone. When Ellis gets to 3rd grade I’ll be drooling in a cup. What is 7,345 divided by 364? Long hand, no phone. What is the square root of anything?

4. Has anyone else been playing at the park with your kids and thought ‘it would be fun’ to do the monkey bars? Ha. Not fun. Not easy. I typically try not to cry in front of my kids, but….

5. Do you remember anything from high school? Honestly, I just had to have the spell check correct me because I thought high school was 1 word. Isn’t there a hyphen? Shit. Name the 50 states. (without the fifty nifty song). Name 15 presidents. Tell me anything about the Louisiana Purchase.

6. Guys- try to touch the rim. Girls- try to touch the bottom of the net. Report back on how it went. (***note, this is 10 foot height. No froggy fresh 7.5 feet tourneys, poor Justin)justin

Well if that didn’t ruin your day, I don’t know what would. But, it is important to stay grounded. Also, it’s probably not best to look at your pictures from prom or homecoming. You were way too skinny back then. That’s probably not even healthy. 🙂 dance

FB Statuses You Never See

LIKEFor some odd reason you never see the following as FB statuses:

1. I’m on the toilet right now reading thru all of your updates. I ‘liked’ that picture of your dog while pooping.

2. I chose to go to Burger King today instead of the gym. I’m either self-sabotaging or coming to grips with my mediocre body.

3. Wow that was some great loving last night! Thanks honey. with (insert tag here)…..

4. My kids really aren’t that cute and are of average intelligence.

5. Man, more drama in my life! Hmmm, I wonder if I am some how contributing to all the drama that seems to follow me around???

6. I’m not that good of a mom. I spend A LOT of time at the bar!

7. I secretly spy on you with (insert tag here). I want to see your boobs with (insert tag here). I actually hate you but remain your ‘friend’ because it is too entertaining to look away with (insert tag here).

8. How many times a week can you masterbate before it gets weird?