Tag Archive: happy marriage

mad at your wifeWhen you are newly weds (and even before that) you get bombarded with advice. Everyone has ‘the secret to a happy marriage’ or ‘how to communicate with your husband’ advice. It is all well-intentioned and it is usually cliche. Possibly the most common (after ‘love like it’s never going to hurt’) is ‘never go to bed angry’.

I used to believe this.

To back up a little, my husband and I don’t fight much. If we do, we usually get over it pretty quickly. There is something to be said for knowing you’re ‘stuck’ with this other person and there is no point in arguing. I mean that in the most romantic way possible of course. 🙂

When the fights do happen though, I always tried to beat them to death. I was desperate to prove how ‘right’ I was and get my husband to say ‘I’m sorry’. It was almost an obsession. And, rightly so- my husband is a master of the fake apology. You know, the ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ and the ‘I’m sorry you took what I said that way’ and the ‘I’m sorry you’re so ridiculously sensitive’. I may have made up that last one, but that is what I was hearing.

Well, on Saturday night, he made me angry. It is not important what it was about, but I wasn’t getting the appreciation or recognition that I wanted. I, naturally, picked a fight. We went back and forth for about 15 minutes. That is officially my husband’s time limit on arguments. At that point, he’ll throw his hands up and declare he’s done.

He went to bed.

I stewed.

Eventually, I went to bed. Angry.

When I woke up in the morning, I just went on with my day. Got my coffee, got the kids going, etc. I remembered being ‘mad’ at my husband, but the details were a little fuzzy. I remembered all of the things I said, but was struggling to remember what the trigger was. He woke up 30 mins. after me and didn’t even acknowledge what took place the night before. He was 100% over it. Not ‘over it’ in the sense that he was hoping I wouldn’t bring it up, but over it like ‘I literally don’t give 2 shits about the fight last night’. I found myself studying him for a minute and marveling at the man-brain. I was like a discovery channel zoologist. “You see the male brain moves on as if nothing has transpired.” So simple.

This is only half insult. The other half is me being jealous of the simplicity. Men typically will tell you what they think. They typically mean what they say. They tend not to over think in the way that women do. This is good for their own sanity, but gets them in trouble with us, often. We want them to solve the mystery that is the female brain. We want them to know what to say and when to say it. We have oddly high expectations for their simplistic male minds.

All I needed to do was to explain to my husband that I was feeling a little under-appreciated and ask him for some words of affirmation. He would have likely obliged. Sure, you could argue that I shouldn’t have to ask for it, but who are we kidding?

So, back to going to bed angry… I went to bed mad, woke up slightly irritated, and then over it by the time I finished my coffee. This may not work for your bigger problems, recurring themes, or unresolved issues, but for the little things it could be just what the doctor ordered. Nothing seems as bad after you sleep on it. When you force an argument to keep going, you start reaching, projecting, compounding…. A fight about putting laundry away turns into ‘you never appreciate me’, to ‘you don’t spend enough time with my family’, to ‘you’ve never really loved me!’

We have all seen this happen. We have all been a part of a fight where we couldn’t remember why it started. All we know is- we are pissed! This is our ego. This is the voice in the back of our head that says, “me being ‘right’ is more important than having peace”. I don’t know about you, but I would much rather be at peace and be happy and be in love than be ‘right’.

So, the next time you find yourself fighting, sleep on it. See how important it still is in the morning.

Anyways, that is my advice for the week… Take what you will. Consider reading the 5 Love Languages. It is awesome. Good read for you and your hubby (If you can get him to join you! But, I’ll save that for another post….)

I know, the title is a little dramatic, but I’m trying to make a point here. I think there are so many parts of our every day life that are ‘killing’ us. We have to walk around with blinders and filter every thing that gets thrown in our faces. One of the things that is destroying us is Romantic Comedies! More specifically they are destroying our relationships.

Now, I’ll give 90% of you the benefit of the doubt that you don’t think Romantic Comedies are realistic, but the culture and themes behind them seep through. I think we all know Matthew McConnaughey is not going to throw his body between us and a shark and then save the world from a meteor all while Channing Tatum is trying to strip his way into our hearts and memories! The problem is we all expect to find the ‘one’ for us. We believe that we will ‘just know’ when that person is the right one. We believe that there must be some sort of problem when marriage becomes work, because would true love ‘be this hard?’

What we need to realize is that bliss that they show in the movies, is the infatuation phase. This is the first 6 months to 2 years of pure joy. Your significant other can do no wrong. They are the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing before you fall asleep. You are obsessed. This does not last, and it’s a good thing it doesn’t. Nobody would ever get anything done! This phase is going to end, it is just a matter of when. This phase the ladies always have shaved legs and always look their best. This phase the men don’t mind missing a night out with the buddies to stay home with his girl. This phase the sex is amazing and exciting and frequent. This phase is easy.

The next phase is the uncertainty phase or drama phase. We are starting to worry, is this the ‘one’? Is he going to propose? We plan the wedding, move in, maybe have babies. This phase is jam packed full of a different kind of excitement. There is worry, fear, stress, excitement, new challenges, etc. In this phase you don’t focus too much on the actual relationship or your feelings for each other- you’re too busy.

The third phase is where things get interesting. This could be after you’re done having kids, this could be after the honeymoon is over (literally), or maybe this is the 7 year itch everyone is always talking about. Maybe you woke up one morning and realized that you and your husband spent so much time loving your kids that you didn’t worry about loving eachother. Maybe, the man who was ‘courting you’ all those years has disappeared. Maybe, everyone else is happy, but ‘mommy’ doesn’t even remember who she was before she was ‘mommy’. This phase is no-doubt the hardest phase, but is also the most rewarding.

This is when we need to remember that romantic comedies are stupid! During phase 3 we start to think that the grass looks awfully green over there. We start to compare our lives to what we think they should be, to what we think other people might have. Meeting someone new is very exciting, but that just isn’t fair. A spouse, no matter how amazing, can never compete with someone new! We need to remember that. We need to remember that no matter how tempting something seems to be, that we would be in the same boat with this new person in 5, 7, or 10 years. I don’t remember where I saw this, but I read something about how we can’t keep comparing our un-edited lives to everyone else’s highlight reels. How brilliant is that?!

In phase 3, what we need to start doing is finding ways to love our spouses. We know how to love our children. That part is easy. Let’s take the focus away from them for a little while and direct that towards our spouses. Stop focusing on what you don’t like, and start focusing on what you do. Instead of nagging, start appreciating. I’ve said it before, but what if instead of complaining that your husband is home late from work, you said thank you to him for working so hard for his family. For the husbands, instead of complaining to your wife that you never have sex anymore, try touching her without the goal of sex. You know, like holding her hand, cuddling on the couch.

In this phase, we need to ignore all the bullshit and just focus on loving what we have. We can’t keep living lives where we don’t appreciate what is right in front of us because we are always looking to upgrade. It’s your family, not a cell phone (that’s stupid too, but cell phones are a different post all-together). And for those of you who haven’t gotten to phase 3 yet, don’t worry. You will get there, but it doesn’t have to be scary. Just know that it is coming and don’t lose focus on the #1 most important relationship in your life.

First of all I would like to say sorry Mom. I am not used to the fact that I am a married grown up who has a mom that reads her blog (and a mother-in-law, and maybe an aunt or two, and neighbors, etc).

I don’t know about you, but this is a hot topic in my household. I introduced this concept to my husband a while ago for his benefit. I explained that most nights there is a ‘sex window’. By definition, the sex window is the small window of time that sex is actually a possibility. The window’s size is directly correlated to how busy the couple is, how many kids they have, and how wonderful the husband is behaving. So, like a said, a small window.

A good example is when you first get home, you’re not too tired yet, you just poured a glass of wine…. the window is open. After the kids go to bed, your husband may have a good 15 minutes to make his move before the window slams shut and everyone waits til Friday.

The Kinsey Institute says that approx 26% of (approx. 30 year old) married couples are having sex 2-3 times per week.

Ladies, imagine if your husband told you ‘no thanks’ half the time you asked. Poor guys.

I am a firm believer that we should all be having more sex. Now, this doesn’t mean that I always heed my own advice, but we really should. Every single doctor, sexpert, book, magazine, and random blogger like me says it– so why aren’t we doing it? We are tired, busy, in ruts, frustrated, and we don’t communicate. We all just got done reading 50 Shades of Grey, we are all in love with Christian Grey, and we all wish that we had that passion at home. Why can’t we?

So, here is my call to action. Let’s have more sex! Let’s have better sex! What is more important- America’s Got Talent, or a happy marriage? When the sex window is open, tell your husband. Better yet, make a move. Give the poor guy a break. He has probably initiated the last 34 times (except that one night after your friends wedding when you had 13 glasses of champaign- you know who you are).

Besides doing it more, we should do it better. Pour a bottle of wine, have a talk with your husband. Without me getting too weird, have an actual conversation about sex. If you are nervous, don’t be. He’ll love it and it’s your husband. Me and my husband were just talking about the sex window and he proposed new ‘Summer Hours’. Apparently day light savings time applies to sex as well.

Bottom line, you are the only thing standing in the way of a better sex life. Here’s you’re homework for the month: have sex 1 more time a week than you currently are. Tell your husband when the window in open. Have fun.