photo (17)I went shopping yesterday and had merry thoughts running thru my head, at least until all the a-holes of the world ruined my day. Okay, that is an exaggeration, I actually love holiday shopping. I was literally walking around with 30 pounds of packages in my 1 good arm, sweating thru my fashionable sweater/shall combo, and still humming ‘it’s beginning to look a lot like christmas…’. But, I thought I would chime in with the things that are truly obnoxious. So read up and don’t do anything on this list!

1. Get in the f’ing line! Sometimes with all of the crowds it is confusing to figure out where the line begins and ends. ASK! It’s as simple as ‘are you in line?’ We’ve all seen that woman who walks right in front of you and then looks offended when you tell her ‘there’s a line’. Of course there’s a line. It’s December 18th!

2. Have your shit ready to go! If you are seriously going to return something BEFORE Dec. 25th, have it ready, with the receipt, and personally apologize to everyone in line. 🙂 It’s super annoying, but if you must, you must. Just be prepared.

3. If you have a million things, let the person with 1 go first! If you are going to bang out the whole family at Old Navy, use your coupons, get your points, and ask for separate receipts- great! But, realize this takes time. If I am behind you trying to buy AHH lunch box, please let me go first. I know you’re ahead of me, but it’s the holiday season. Be kind, please rewind.

4. It is NOT the retail worker’s fault! I know it seems obscene that when you are trying to check out that there are not enough tellers, but you don’t know the story. Maybe someone called in sick, maybe one of the workers went crazy after answering ‘Can I use my expired Kohl’s cash?’ for the 17,000th time. Either way, the person checking you out is usually not the person who makes the schedule. Don’t get mad at them. They are literally doing their best dealing with crazy crowds and crazy people all day. Remember they are under paid, under appreciated, and over worked during the holidays. Say please and thank you.

5. We live in a society! (george costanza voice!) This is not ‘NAM, there are rules! If there are multiple registers and 1 line it is because we all take turns. That’s how it works. Not so you can try and guess which one is the fastest and creep in. I mean really! Get behind me you son of a….

6. Be nice to the mothers! We all had moms. Even if you are not one yourself, you need to have a soft-spot for the mamas. Christmas shopping is NOT a time to judge moms and their parenting techniques! I promise you this- if you see a mom at the mall with her children (and she is not waiting in line for santa) it is NOT because she WANTED to bring them! No mom ‘chooses’ to bring her kids shopping with her. 100% of us would die to shop alone. If our kids are there, it’s because we couldn’t help it. Be patient. We are trying to raise future non-sociopaths.

7. Do NOT put your car in reverse until you are literally pulling out! We all know this Jackass! He gets into his car, lets it warm up, holds it in reverse while he checks his phone… I HATE this person. Pull out, and drive away! If you need to check your phone, do it at the end of the parking lot where no one is waiting on you.

8. Hold the M’er F’ing door for moms with strollers! It has been a long time since I have been pushing a stroller thru a door at a mall but I vividly remember people letting them slam in my face and on my baby. When I am dressed well, with make up and sans children… men miraculously hold the door. Weird??? Add 2 kids and take away the style and all of the sudden I am invisible. If you see a woman with children, I don’t care if you have to wait a solid 5 minutes you stand there and you open that fucking door. IT is decided!

9. So help me god, if you are next in line, get off your god damn phone! I don’t think I need to explain the rage one feels in this situation, but this is why fights break out. Pay attention. Your call can wait. Be polite. Follow the rules. “I don’t know what happened officer… we were waiting in line, she was next and next thing I know she was on the floor….I think I blacked out there for a minute.”

Okay, those are the rules. Not too hard right? Please share so we can have peaceful shopping season.