Tag Archive: holidays


photo (17)I went shopping yesterday and had merry thoughts running thru my head, at least until all the a-holes of the world ruined my day. Okay, that is an exaggeration, I actually love holiday shopping. I was literally walking around with 30 pounds of packages in my 1 good arm, sweating thru my fashionable sweater/shall combo, and still humming ‘it’s beginning to look a lot like christmas…’. But, I thought I would chime in with the things that are truly obnoxious. So read up and don’t do anything on this list!

1. Get in the f’ing line! Sometimes with all of the crowds it is confusing to figure out where the line begins and ends. ASK! It’s as simple as ‘are you in line?’ We’ve all seen that woman who walks right in front of you and then looks offended when you tell her ‘there’s a line’. Of course there’s a line. It’s December 18th!

2. Have your shit ready to go! If you are seriously going to return something BEFORE Dec. 25th, have it ready, with the receipt, and personally apologize to everyone in line. 🙂 It’s super annoying, but if you must, you must. Just be prepared.

3. If you have a million things, let the person with 1 go first! If you are going to bang out the whole family at Old Navy, use your coupons, get your points, and ask for separate receipts- great! But, realize this takes time. If I am behind you trying to buy AHH lunch box, please let me go first. I know you’re ahead of me, but it’s the holiday season. Be kind, please rewind.

4. It is NOT the retail worker’s fault! I know it seems obscene that when you are trying to check out that there are not enough tellers, but you don’t know the story. Maybe someone called in sick, maybe one of the workers went crazy after answering ‘Can I use my expired Kohl’s cash?’ for the 17,000th time. Either way, the person checking you out is usually not the person who makes the schedule. Don’t get mad at them. They are literally doing their best dealing with crazy crowds and crazy people all day. Remember they are under paid, under appreciated, and over worked during the holidays. Say please and thank you.

5. We live in a society! (george costanza voice!) This is not ‘NAM, there are rules! If there are multiple registers and 1 line it is because we all take turns. That’s how it works. Not so you can try and guess which one is the fastest and creep in. I mean really! Get behind me you son of a….

6. Be nice to the mothers! We all had moms. Even if you are not one yourself, you need to have a soft-spot for the mamas. Christmas shopping is NOT a time to judge moms and their parenting techniques! I promise you this- if you see a mom at the mall with her children (and she is not waiting in line for santa) it is NOT because she WANTED to bring them! No mom ‘chooses’ to bring her kids shopping with her. 100% of us would die to shop alone. If our kids are there, it’s because we couldn’t help it. Be patient. We are trying to raise future non-sociopaths.

7. Do NOT put your car in reverse until you are literally pulling out! We all know this Jackass! He gets into his car, lets it warm up, holds it in reverse while he checks his phone… I HATE this person. Pull out, and drive away! If you need to check your phone, do it at the end of the parking lot where no one is waiting on you.

8. Hold the M’er F’ing door for moms with strollers! It has been a long time since I have been pushing a stroller thru a door at a mall but I vividly remember people letting them slam in my face and on my baby. When I am dressed well, with make up and sans children… men miraculously hold the door. Weird??? Add 2 kids and take away the style and all of the sudden I am invisible. If you see a woman with children, I don’t care if you have to wait a solid 5 minutes you stand there and you open that fucking door. IT is decided!

9. So help me god, if you are next in line, get off your god damn phone! I don’t think I need to explain the rage one feels in this situation, but this is why fights break out. Pay attention. Your call can wait. Be polite. Follow the rules. “I don’t know what happened officer… we were waiting in line, she was next and next thing I know she was on the floor….I think I blacked out there for a minute.”

Okay, those are the rules. Not too hard right? Please share so we can have peaceful shopping season.

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Ho Ho Holiday Letter Time

942064_10201449148613312_1625857794_nIt’s that time of year again to catch you all up on how the Reimholzes did in 2013. I realize that between facebook, my blog, twitter, and actual human interaction…. you might not get to know enough about me! Well I am here to fix all of that. These of course are the highlights, I wouldn’t want you to think we were just a normal family, we are a super-family of good fortune and joy!

The Kids:
Will is in kindergarten and is starting to read! I’m sure there are a lot of kids his age that are also learning to read, but there is just something about the way he does it. It’s like, he really gets it, you know? He is also super adorable and can run really fast in his new shoes. He also is very good at playing and sleeping and telling you he loves you. Will is also a great older brother unless of course it is one of those moments that ‘Ellie ruins EVERYTHING!’

Ellie, when she is not ruining everything, is very good at being two. She likes to say “no” and “I don’t want to”. She is so independent! She just really knows what she likes and goes for it. She is also very determined for such a little girl. One day I swear she said “Mommy” 86 times in a row until she got her way. You can’t teach that! She is also very sweet and maybe the cutest child to ever walk the earth (I know that seems like an exaggeration but I’m pretty sure…). I can’t wait until she turns 3 and she magically turns into a sweet child who doesn’t whine or complain or fight with her brother. These terrible two’s are rough, but it’s only one year, right? Right!?
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Brent:
Brent is having a great year just killing it at everything he does. He is a big fan of the Super bowl champs The Baltimore Ravens. It was a great start to the year because not only did they win the super bowl, but they finally listened to him and got rid of their ‘good for nothing’ offensive coordinator. Obviously they didn’t follow the rest of his advice building their 2013-2014 season. I really do think that one day they will realize they should just put him on their payroll and do whatever he says. I don’t think he’s been wrong yet. Or at least I hear a lot of “I told you so’s” directed at the TV. Other than that, great dad, husband, provider, fantasy football stud, and human being.

Me:
There’s not much to say about me, I’ve just been saving the world one blog post and opinion at a time. But don’t worry, I will not rest until you all find inner peace and contentment and look good in bikinis. Also, I have decided to buy all of my own Christmas presents this year so that I get everything I want, and really isn’t that the point? What else…. oh I have seat warmers in my new car. It’s a game changer. I’ll have a toasty butt while I am driving all over town buying myself presents.

That about sums up our year. Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Fake Holiday Gift Ideas

Here are some things that don’t exist but they should!santa cartoon

1. One Free Nap: can be used anytime, whether at home, work, or after sex- no questions asked. May be exchanged for sleeping in.

2. 10 Pounds Off: Redeemable at any fitness center or drug store. Only lasts 3 months, but requires no work.

3. Get-out-of-hangover-free card: Use wisely. You don’t want to waste this on a simple red wine head ache. You want to save this up for the night where you swear you are only going to have 3 drinks and you realize that you are F’d at 3 am after doing shots of jager like a college student (or so I’ve heard).

4. A perfect family photo: Any mom out there knows what I am talking about. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get 4 (+) people to look directly at a camera and smile?! And, when that happens, do you know how often the mom looks good? About 5%. I’m talking, this gift card is for: “Who are all of those gorgeous people posing with that super model?”

5. One ‘go back in time’ moment: This is only to be used for those times when you think to yourself “Ah! I should have said…..” It’s always 30 mins. later when you think of the perfect comeback/zinger/joke.

6. One ‘fix it’ card: This is good for one husband chore. It’s automatic, done in an hour, no whining, the right way.

7. One automatic argument victory card: No questions asked. You just win AND you get a legit apology from your spouse/GF/BF. And, I am not talking about a ‘I’m sorry you feel that way kind of apology’. A real one! Like: ‘I’m sorry. You’re smart, I am stupid. You’re beautiful, I am not attractive at all. You’re a goddess of perfection, I am just a lucky SOB that gets to sleep next to you.’

8. Well behaved children for 12 hours: Again, use this wisely. You may need to visit grandparents, maybe you’re traveling across country, or maybe you wasted your ‘hangover card’ too early and you had your cousins wedding last night and you drank red bull and vodka all night and at 3 am you were doing push ups… and, I mean, so I’ve heard.

 

Happy Holidays!!!! What do you wish you could get for Christmas?

 

It’s that time of year again… We are all focused on giving and making other

people’s dreams come true. We are all grateful for what we receive. Parents

especially forget about their own needs and just focus on what will make the

kids happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it comes down to it, this is what I REALLY

want for Christmas for me and for my family.

 

Me-

  1. One date per month, planned out, with baby-sitters taken care of! This is different than a husband  agreeing to go out with me. This means: all planned, no loose ends, all I have to do is make myself pretty (done!).
  2. Personal assistant to do all the things I don’t want to do! I figure this is about 10 hours per week. He or she will be responsible for cutting my coupons, writing thank you notes (invitations, xmas cards, etc), handle any/all paper work in my life (bills, correspondence, program registrations, etc.).
  3. One goddamn minute to myself! (I can actually see the moms reading this smiling and nodding). I want to read a book, take a bath, pee alone….
  4. To be discovered! Whether it’s writing, or modeling, or…. Yeah, I guess those are the two things I excel at: the written word and being professionally good looking.
  5. Five things from Pinterest! Okay, maybe 10 things. I would love to actually have something that I have pinned. I have purchased 1 thing out the 17 million things I want. Wouldn’t it be nice to have just a few of those outfits, or the outdoor patio, or the vacation, or the dream house. Okay, 15 things. That’s it, I promise.
  6. Someone to lay out my outfits every morning! Maybe Stacy and Clinton? Anyway, I would love if I could just wake up and not have to think about putting an outfit together. But, if I can’t have that, maybe someone to just hang up all of the ‘out-fit fails’ that I put together and subsequently leave on my bed every day.

My Husband-

  1. A personal assistant to plan above mentioned date nights! Let’s face it, if this were a strong suit for (straight) men, we would have much happier women running around. He needs some help. No offense to my husband, offense is meant for all men in general.
  2. A ‘beam-me-up-scotty’ machine! I would love to give him this gift. He wastes so much quality time driving. All jokes aside, I can’t think of anything that would be more useful to my man.

My Children-

  1. NO toys that make noise! Thanks, we’re good. We have a drum set, a recorder, a harmonica, a tickle me Elmo, and a damn beat toy (like the vegetable) that signs ‘we got the beat we got the beat we got the beat’. I will cut you.
  2. Things that we actually need! You know what my 15 month old wants for xmas? Diapers, pajamas, shoes, money for day care… I know these things are not fun to buy, but that’s what we (I mean she) needs.
  3. Things that Mommy and Daddy need! I know this seems selfish, but it’s really not. We are the ones that spend every spare cent on these little free-loaders. We need money for school, day care, swim lessons, t-ball, student loans (oops, that might be me), etc.
  4. Toys that will keep them occupied for one goddamn minute! “Mom, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy, mama, mama” You’ve seen that clip of Stewie; welcome to my life.
  5. NO cheap plastic toys! No more crap made in China that will break in 3 minutes that fits perfectly into my running shoes. Save up the $3 for each crap toy and buy me a bottle of Vodka buy them a book to mold their young minds.

I think that about covers it. If you get confused, cash money son. I got bills to pay.

Lazy Hazy Dazey Sunday

Snuggled up with my boos, two

Work and nonsense surrounds us ignored

 

Slowing down time with my mind

Soaking up the now-ness of well….now

 

Grinch by the tree,

the Elf’s on the shelf

And the man I love’s in my heart