Tag Archive: humor


A year or so ago, I wrote a blog about my relationship with hats. I joked about how I love them but feel dumb sometimes and am not usually confident when out in public in a hat. Well, the other day I saw that a friend of mine sent me an image via pinterest. It was this image:
FullSizeRender (14)

Who knows how long that sat there. I am to Pinterest like most people are to New Year’s Resolutions: super fanatical for about 4 days and then completely forget about it. Anyways, I see this image and it was like a lightning bolt. If I could put myself in a nutshell, this image would be my nutshell. These are the things I am passionate about. I am serious about my vegetables, squats are what keep your ass from eternal saddness, there is nothing I hate more than boys that are mean to girls, and I LOVE to rock some frickin’ lip stick! But this was not always the case…

You know how when people say things like “man, I wish I could be 24 again” or “I would love to go back to college days”? I disagree with those people. I am so much healthier and happier now than I was in my 20’s. Back then, the only vegetables I got were the shreds of lettuce on my Jimmy John’s sandwiches. I never worked out (dancing on bars count?). I let a few boys treat me badly, and treated some badly myself. And, the only lip game I had was Chapstick medicated.

You see, I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted. Half the time I was trying to make others happy, the other half I was trying to make myself happy in dumb ways. I didn’t know how to be me. I was always afraid of ‘looking stupid’. I didn’t take fashion risks, because I felt dumb (what a waste of that 19 year old body!). I didn’t want to wear lip stick because what if I picked the wrong color or what if someone thought I was just trying to get attention or what if people thought I was trying to look ‘cool’ but it back fired and…. Crazy right? Welcome to the brain of an insecure college chick.

The best part about my 30’s is that I figured out a lot about myself. I figured out that I care about my health and well being. I figured out that I am a feminist and I don’t like to hang out with those that aren’t. I figured out that lip stick is fun and sexy and that I don’t care if others think differently. I figured out that I like to challenge my body and rediscovered my love of sports and physical activity. I figured out that I love to have fun and be loud and be myself and if people judge me for that- it’s none of my business.
IMG_0895

When I recently started my new business, I had a lot of hang ups. I worried about whether I would be bothering people. Or that people would think this business is stupid. Or that no one would ever buy anything from me. Or that people would un-friend me because they would get sick of my posts. Welcome to the mind of secure 30-something that still lets that insecure 20-something girl pop up now and then. But, you know what, I’m all good. The business is good. Vegetables are good. The men in my life are good. And my lip stick game is on-point.

I don’t know when I realized the most important thing in the universe which is: love yourself, nothing else matters. Everything will work out. Everything is going to be okay. It might not be exactly how you pictured, but that’s okay. We live in a universe of abundance and there is more than enough good for all. Trust your gut and follow your heart. Okay, that is more than 1 thing, but you get my point.

I have a birthday this week and I am not even the slightest bit concerned. If this is what ageing is like, I am all-in.
IMG_1771

Want to work with me? Want to join me in the fight against giving a shit what everyone else thinks for once in your life? E-mail me at creimholz@gmail.com. We have fun.

Advertisements

napWhy am I always tired? I hear this a lot! We have a nation of sleep deprived zombies, dragging their feet, and ‘surviving’ their days. We have people drinking 20 oz. coffees to stay awake on their 45 min. commute to work, where they sit all day (don’t forget the 2pm diet coke so you don’t fall asleep at your desk), all to go home and relax and unwind in front of a television and a cell phone. It’s okay to be tired sometimes, but you shouldn’t LIVE tired. That shouldn’t be the norm. Here is why I think most of us are so stinkin’ sleepy:

1. Your diet is shit (part 1):
Your blood sugar is probably like a roller coaster. Breakfast made up of mostly simple carbohydrates (toast, cereal, oatmeal, bagels, danish, muffin, etc) will likely lead to a crash by 9:30am. If you are having a hard time making it to lunch before you’re hungry again- you are eating the wrong things. For Breakfast (well every meal as far as I’m concerned) think Protein/Fiber/Fat. If you have those 3 things, you are fueling your body in a way to stabilize blood sugar and therefore fight the ups and downs of energy through out the day.
005

2. Your diet is shit (part 2):
You’re eating fake food! Your body only knows how to process FOOD. It doesn’t know what to do with the ‘other’ stuff. When you eat processed foods, your body ends up focusing on cleaning the junk out of your system vs. getting the nutrients from your food and powering your body. If you are eating chemical filled food, instead of your body celebrating and providing energy, your body kicks into an inflammatory response for damage control. Calories are good, happy, hard working friends when you are eating real food. Calories are mean, destructive bastards when you are eating fake food.

—By the way, what qualifies as a processed food or a fake food? Did it grow out of the ground? Does it have a mother? Does it have less than 3-5 ingredients? Can you recognize the ingredients? If you answered yes to these questions, you are all good. —
001

3. Your diet is shit (part 3):
You’re not getting your vitamins and minerals. I use to think this was baloney (by the way, there are very few vitamins in bologna). I am now convinced, sold, bought in. Here is what I take, and I swear by them.*
FullSizeRender (12)

4. You don’t sleep enough:
Do you get at least 7 hours of sleep a night? If not, sleep more. Just make it happen. Prioritize better. Sleep is your friend. Your cozy, warm, sexy friend and it misses you.
nap someecard

5. You don’t move enough:
I know it sounds counter intuitive, but you need to expend energy to get more energy. Most of us sit all day and all night. We need to move our bodies a lot, and in different and challenging ways. If you don’t figure out ways to get up and move from your desk, you are going to have a bad back and a flat bottom and a tired sad brain.
FullSizeRender (13)

6. You’re too stressed:
Our bodies evolved to have short bursts of stress. Like, ‘oh shit, saber-tooth tiger!’ stress. We are not designed to live maxed out lives with unending stress. Take time for yourself, be in nature, meditate, get a hobby that brings you joy, quit your job and come work with me (winky face), and learn to say NO. Remember, ‘No’ can be a complete sentence.

Okay, I hope that helps. Sorry about the tough love. I’ve never been much for sugar-coating things. Wait, that is probably another reason you are tired, you eat sugar-coated things. 🙂

If you liked this, please feel free to share with your tired friends. Also, if you would like to work with me, email me at creimholz@gmail.com . We have fun!

*I am an independent distributor for Shaklee. I make money off sales from these links. I am also not a doctor. I didn’t go to school long enough. But, I do share things that have worked for me personally and encourage you to check with actual doctors with actual degrees.

IMG_1835Okay ladies, let’s talk. Just a quick little chat. I think it’s time to cool it with the posing in the pictures. Not every pic on your smart phone needs to be a red-carpet moment. You know what I mean: hand on hip, arms away from the body for slimming, chin down, sexy eyes, shot from above, etc. This pose is the new duck face in my opinion. Is it more flattering? Yes! Is it slimming? Yes! Do you need to pose like that for the picture with your 2 year old? No. Do you need to be ‘hot’ in a picture with your kids (or grandma or fish tank)? There is a time and a place for posing: date night, girls night out, weddings, etc. First day of school at the bus stop? Please god no.

will and me OC

My favorite pictures of me have always been spontaneous. I love pictures where I am laughing- mouth wide open- and looking away. I love pictures where I might not being wearing makeup but I am having fun with my kids. I love pics that are great memories, even if I don’t look skinny. You know why? Because there is not a secret Hot Mom contest. And, if there was, I am sure I would not win. If there was, I would not participate. If there was, shame on anyone who would judge it. I take pride in my appearance, and I take care of my health, but not so I can be photogenic for strangers on the internet. Because I like to feel confident. Because I like when my body can do what I ask of it (like sub for a volley ball game or run a couple miles or dance the night away).

048

I am not perfect. I am guilty of the ‘let me see it’ as soon as the flash fades. I am guilty of ‘put a filter on that so I look younger’. I am guilty of the ‘do it again, I don’t like my face’. But, I am going to work on that. I would really hate for my daughter to look at a picture I took of her perfect little self and say that she doesn’t like her face. That is about the saddest thing I can think of. Let’s just go back to having fun and capturing moments. That’s what pictures are for.

IMG_1672

FullSizeRender (4)The other day, as I am getting ready for work, I looked down at the shit-show that is my bathroom sink. I mean, every surface covered! Makeup, bobby pins, hair-styling waxy stuff, face lotion, you name it. And this is coming from someone with no hair that wears little makeup! As I am noticing all my ‘stuff’, my husband walks in and swipe swipe- deodorant, brush brush- clean teeth, kiss kiss- off to work. Jerk. So, I decided it was time to write down my thoughts on the ridiculous double standards our society has for men and women.

Makeup:

Men- Good job on that face! Don’t change a thing…seriously!

Women- You better fix that shit or no one will ever love you. We’re gonna need you to spend about $1,000 a year on ‘product’. Men like you to be pretty and soft.

Clothes:

Men- Pants? Check! Shirt? Check! Brown shoes? Check! Black shoes? Check!

Women- Follow trends, but not too closely. Dress pretty, but not too flashy. Show some skin, but don’t be a tramp. Oh, and get some shoes that push you up on the balls of your feet and walk around like that all day. Men love that.

Reproduction:

Men- Yay sex!

Women- Periods, cramps, pregnancy, stretch marks, delivery, breast feeding, and default parent for the rest of your life.

Parenting:

Men- Where’s mom?

Women- Mom, mommy, mom, mommy, mama, mama, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hair:

Men- Having hair in places where your hair grows is not only awesome, it’s manly! Don’t change a thing.

Women- Even though that is where your hair literally grows out of your body, you’re gonna need to fix that shit. Preferably by ripping it out by the roots with hot wax. Wait wait… you’re not done -turn around and bend over this table.

Sounds about right. Did I miss anything??

If you enjoyed this you might also like:

Are you like me?
Mommy Monster

me will tennisYou know the old saying- opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one. Well I find this to be obnoxiously true about health and fitness. Everybody’s got something to criticize. Whether it is cross-fit or gluten-free or paleo or insert thing that will kill us all _____________, a lot of non-experts have a lot to say on the subject. And, as a non expert who talks a lot on the subject, most of it is harmless. But, what I do NOT understand is why people get SO ANGRY. What is that all about? Is my paleo diet somehow infringing on your right to sandwiches? No. In fact, that just means more sandwiches for you. Does someone else’s 6-pack abs from doing cross fit offend every thing you hold dear about fitness? No. They are just doing a different work out. Now, this is not for the trainers and the dieticians and the physical therapists out there. I’m talking to Joe Couch Potato and Sally Sugar-eater. The ones that have nothing but criticsm and no solutions. The ones that are simply comfortable or in denial about their own health. The ones that are bitter that someone else found something they are passionate about. The ones that are pushing bad habits on you every time you turn around “oh my god, one bagel is not going to kill you”. Those people.

I don’t know if you have noticed, but we are really unhealthy. Not just fat either. We have chronic disease and illness earlier and worse than ever before. Diabetes, asthma, allergies, joint pain and systemic inflammation. Genetics don’t change that fast but behavior and environment do. Eating a typical ‘healthy’ American diet and doing cardio 3-4 times a week is getting us no where. When we don’t address the chemicals and toxicity of our environment and challenge old out-dated research, we are just allowing others to destroy our health. Is that why there is so much anger? What you think you know might be wrong, so you lash out? I just read an article discussing whether FODMAPs are the problem versus the vilified gluten. Did I get pissed and leave nasty comments on the post? No, I learned something new and kept going on with my day. The thing is, I don’t care if gluten is the problem for me, or if it’s the chemicals in processed foods (yes bread is a processed food), or if it’s the MSG, or the HFCS, or if it’s simply the fact that I replaced my maniac-carb-filled diet with more fruit and veggies. And, I don’t care. I am getting more nutrients, fiber, and healthy fat than ever before. I have lost weight and feel a million times better. Call it paleo, call it real food diet, call it Frank, I don’t care.

The thing is, whether you are doing cross fit or you are a runner or a yogi or a caveman, the thing we all have in common is passion. Hell yeah when you take back control of your life/health you want to talk about it. You want to shout it from the roof tops. You want to tell everyone else about it because you want everyone to ‘know’ what you know. You want everyone to know that aging isn’t a slow decline into pain and lethargy. You want people to know that getting older doesn’t have to decrease your quality of life. I want women my age to know that there is a way to control your weight even if that seems impossible. I want other moms to know that it is possible to get through your day without fatigue. I want all 30+ year olds to know that when you are eating right and getting enough sleep, you can get up in the morning feeling refreshed and energetic.

I can tell you right now, I am going to continue talking about health and wellness and fitness and clean living. In fact, I might even get more crazy. The more I learn, the more I want to share. The great thing about facebook, instagram, twitter, etc. is that you don’t have to follow me if you don’t want to. And I mean that with as much love as possible. I love talking about it and I love taking pictures of my food. 🙂

So, let’s stop with all the negativity. Let’s not criticize others for trying to doing something positive in their lives. Let’s not bring others down. Let’s see if we can learn a little bit from one another. Let’s just stop being assholes.

Mommy Monster

I wake up in the morningIMG_6468
With my normal mommy-ness
You turn me into something else
When I see the giant mess

I plan to be a good girl
With no yelling and no drama
But you wear me down and help create
This crazy-eyed mean-mama

Why must you fight about
The color of your glass
It’s the exact same milk inside
You’re acting like an ass

My hair is falling out now
What’s left is turning gray
Because you whine non-stop
All the live-long day

It doesn’t change my love
Not one tiny little bit
But if you would just listen
Mommy wouldn’t lose her shit

I dream of peace and quiet
But when my dream is done
I wake up to complaining
Mommy-monster I’ve become

So I wave the white flag
I know I’ll never win
I’ll give into the mess
Can you clean with gin?

I’m being hyperbolic
It’s really not that bad
But all your crappy habits
I blame them on your dad

You fill my heart with love
And though you’re why mom jiggles
I love you little bastards
And your contagious little giggles

XOXO- Mommy

photo (4)There are 2 types of people in the world:

People who like to talk about sex and people who think it’s rude to talk about sex.
People who ‘get over’ as soon as the traffic sign says to and Assholes.
People who cook and people who bake.
People who like being happy and people who think they like to be happy but consistently make themselves miserable.
People who can stop after 1 drink and people like me.
People that worry about their kids from the second they are born until forever and dads.
People that want to hold your baby and hear about your baby and love your baby and people that are like ‘talk to me when your 3’.
People that like the Chicago Bears and jerks.
People that think the book is better than the movie and people that don’t care because they are too lazy to read books.
People that follow a strict, clean diet and people that are like ‘Ooohhh, Shamrock shakes are back!’
People that read my blog and big stupid dummies. 🙂

What’d you say to me?!?

How dare you tell me Happy Holidays!? Can’t you see my love for Santa and Jesus seeping out of my pores? Can’t you smell my love of traditional holidays (and traditional marriage for that matter)? Stop the madness! Christmas is the BEST holiday! It is the RIGHT holiday! My country was founded on love of God (my God) and Freedom! Telling me ‘happy holidays’ is a slap in the face! Why don’t you just piss on a snow man or flip off a nun or tell me Rudolph is gay (although I wouldn’t be surprised about that one)? You should be ashamed of yourself! This is America Jack!

What’s that? You were just trying to be nice?…..Oh, my bad.

photo (17)I went shopping yesterday and had merry thoughts running thru my head, at least until all the a-holes of the world ruined my day. Okay, that is an exaggeration, I actually love holiday shopping. I was literally walking around with 30 pounds of packages in my 1 good arm, sweating thru my fashionable sweater/shall combo, and still humming ‘it’s beginning to look a lot like christmas…’. But, I thought I would chime in with the things that are truly obnoxious. So read up and don’t do anything on this list!

1. Get in the f’ing line! Sometimes with all of the crowds it is confusing to figure out where the line begins and ends. ASK! It’s as simple as ‘are you in line?’ We’ve all seen that woman who walks right in front of you and then looks offended when you tell her ‘there’s a line’. Of course there’s a line. It’s December 18th!

2. Have your shit ready to go! If you are seriously going to return something BEFORE Dec. 25th, have it ready, with the receipt, and personally apologize to everyone in line. 🙂 It’s super annoying, but if you must, you must. Just be prepared.

3. If you have a million things, let the person with 1 go first! If you are going to bang out the whole family at Old Navy, use your coupons, get your points, and ask for separate receipts- great! But, realize this takes time. If I am behind you trying to buy AHH lunch box, please let me go first. I know you’re ahead of me, but it’s the holiday season. Be kind, please rewind.

4. It is NOT the retail worker’s fault! I know it seems obscene that when you are trying to check out that there are not enough tellers, but you don’t know the story. Maybe someone called in sick, maybe one of the workers went crazy after answering ‘Can I use my expired Kohl’s cash?’ for the 17,000th time. Either way, the person checking you out is usually not the person who makes the schedule. Don’t get mad at them. They are literally doing their best dealing with crazy crowds and crazy people all day. Remember they are under paid, under appreciated, and over worked during the holidays. Say please and thank you.

5. We live in a society! (george costanza voice!) This is not ‘NAM, there are rules! If there are multiple registers and 1 line it is because we all take turns. That’s how it works. Not so you can try and guess which one is the fastest and creep in. I mean really! Get behind me you son of a….

6. Be nice to the mothers! We all had moms. Even if you are not one yourself, you need to have a soft-spot for the mamas. Christmas shopping is NOT a time to judge moms and their parenting techniques! I promise you this- if you see a mom at the mall with her children (and she is not waiting in line for santa) it is NOT because she WANTED to bring them! No mom ‘chooses’ to bring her kids shopping with her. 100% of us would die to shop alone. If our kids are there, it’s because we couldn’t help it. Be patient. We are trying to raise future non-sociopaths.

7. Do NOT put your car in reverse until you are literally pulling out! We all know this Jackass! He gets into his car, lets it warm up, holds it in reverse while he checks his phone… I HATE this person. Pull out, and drive away! If you need to check your phone, do it at the end of the parking lot where no one is waiting on you.

8. Hold the M’er F’ing door for moms with strollers! It has been a long time since I have been pushing a stroller thru a door at a mall but I vividly remember people letting them slam in my face and on my baby. When I am dressed well, with make up and sans children… men miraculously hold the door. Weird??? Add 2 kids and take away the style and all of the sudden I am invisible. If you see a woman with children, I don’t care if you have to wait a solid 5 minutes you stand there and you open that fucking door. IT is decided!

9. So help me god, if you are next in line, get off your god damn phone! I don’t think I need to explain the rage one feels in this situation, but this is why fights break out. Pay attention. Your call can wait. Be polite. Follow the rules. “I don’t know what happened officer… we were waiting in line, she was next and next thing I know she was on the floor….I think I blacked out there for a minute.”

Okay, those are the rules. Not too hard right? Please share so we can have peaceful shopping season.

photo (1)Anyone with young children know that the question of ‘what do your kids want for Christmas’ is one of the hardest questions to answer. When they’re older they want specific items, when they are younger they either don’t know or they want everything. Or, they are like my 4 year old nephew who only wants swords, even though he has 5 swords already (not to mention all the swords he makes out of every day household objects). And, I don’t know about you, but I have 2 kids and my house is full of crap! I have no storage space and every inch is covered in plastic toys. My kids have so many toys, we don’t even know what to play with any more. So, if you’re anything like me, this guide is for you! This is what to ask for this year, especially from the grandparents.

1. Experiences, not stuff! Maybe the grandparents or aunts/uncles want to take them to the zoo or the children’s museum or to a movie or to a special over-night outing (think Key-lime cove or some indoor water park, etc.). The kids will have so much fun, they get to enhance the relationship with the kids, and the parents might get a chance to get out and shop themselves (or nap).

2. Lessons, not stuff! My mom is getting both of my kids swim lessons this year instead of more traditional presents. My kids are going to be thrilled, they get to swim every weekend in the boring Jan/Feb months, my mom doesn’t have to run around town trying to figure out what to get, I don’t have to pay for the lessons myself, and we don’t have to bring another f’ing version of Elmo into our home. Everybody wins! (think also gymnastics, ballet, karate, etc.)

3. Family fun, not stuff! My dad is getting our family passes to Great America. Instead of them trying to figure out 4 separate presents for our family of four, they only need to buy 1 thing. And, instead of them buying stuff they we’ll be sick of by February, we will be able to enjoy this gift all summer long! (think also pool passes, museum memberships, vacations, etc.)

4. For the babies…. When our kids were really little and truly didn’t know any better, we asked for diapers and formula and wipes and pajamas and money for day care and….. You get the point. Babies really don’t need too terribly much for the first 2 years. They have fun unwrapping presents, playing with the paper and boxes. They don’t care that it is a box of diapers. Help them help you, ask for what you need.

5. For the parents…. Sure I love gift cards, sure I love crock pots, but what I really want is a baby sitter. I want a baby sitter that is easy and consistent. What if you asked for an over-night baby sitter once a month for six months? Or, every other month all year long? Did I just blow your mind? Something consistent too, like the 3rd Saturday of every month. Just think if before the year even started, you had scheduled/planned date nights simply built into your calendar. You’re welcome…

6. The chip-in…. Last year we did a combo birthday day party for both kids. Everyone was asking what to get and I had NO ideas. The only thing we actually wanted was a swing set for the back yard but those are too expensive. So, what did we do? We asked all of the family members to simply chip in whatever they would have spent on a present and we pooled the money together. We ended up getting a really nice swing set, and again, made it easy on everyone else.

What NOT to get:

1. Noisy bullshit! We don’t need anymore singing teddy bears or harmonicas or yo gabba gabba dancing monsters or any of that rage inducing non-sense. It will shortly ‘run out of batteries’ or ‘go to sleep’ or ‘I don’t know what happened sweetie, you went to sleep and it just disappeared…’

2. Plastic crappy cheapness! I don’t want ANYTHING that can possibly be gotten in a happy meal. You know the toys that cost $3 and will last about 3 minutes… I don’t want them, they don’t need them, stop the insanity!

3. Parental supervision needed toys! I love my children. I swear, I do! But, there are literally a million things I can do with them. If there is anything I need, it is toys they can play with without me. I need stuff that gives me 15 minutes to attempt putting dinner on the table. I need something the little one can play with when I am helping the big one with his homework. I need something the big one can play with while I am trying for the 13th time this hour to get the little one to ‘pee pee on the (m’er f’ing) potty’.

4. Lastly, I just don’t want a slutty barbie. My daughter is 2 and I really don’t want to go thru the whole barbie thing. Doctor barbie should NOT be in platforms and a mini skirt! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I would love her to play with a reasonable, normal looking female doll. The ONE barbie she has is in a mini-skirt, no underwear, and a pink stripe in her blonde hair. I will not start the unrealistic craziness that is barbie as long as I can help it. I also resent the fact that my son gets science and building toys and my daughter gets a pink shopping cart. Do better- entire world.