Tag Archive: love


Love. Yo. Self

This conversation happened recently with my 4 year old daughter:
E: Mom, who in this room do you love?
M: I love you, Will, and me (husband wasn’t home I promise)
E: You love you? That’s weird!
M: Why is that weird? Do you love yourself?
E: Yeah, it’s just weird…
And then she moved on to wondering why I gave her the red cup because she wanted the yellow cup and when are we going to Nana’s again. 4 YO attention span, amiright?
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But, it is a little weird. It is something that isn’t talked about very often because it makes us uncomfortable. It is especially hard for women. Loving yourself ‘out loud’ makes women worry “am I coming across as conceited?”, “is this intimidating for others?”, “do all women hate me now?”, etc. And then there are the mommy martyrs out there acting like if you’re not miserable, exhausted, and depressed, you’re not trying hard enough.

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IS it weird to love yourself though? I would argue that it is weird NOT to love yourself. You are the only you that has ever been on Earth, and you are the only you you get to be! What a travesty it would be if you spent your one lifetime not loving the only you you are! That was a little hard to follow but I think you get my point…

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This doesn’t mean that every second of every day you love every single thing about yourself. You can love yourself and wish that you were a little stronger. You can love yourself and not love a part of your past. You can love yourself and be disappointed with the way you behaved that day. Really, loving yourself is like loving another person.

How do you treat the people that you love? With respect, kindness, forgiveness, understanding, etc. Do you treat yourself the same? Would you tell your sister ‘you look ugly today’? I certainly hope not. Would you tell your husband he was failing as a parent because he yelled at the kids too much that day? Not likely. So why would you say that to yourself?

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Let’s do an experiment! Say the 2 sentences below out loud and notice the way they make you feel when you say them.

1. Of course I give my kids their vitamins! I love them and would do anything to keep them healthy!

2. Of course I take my vitamins! I love myself and I would do anything to keep myself healthy!

Or…

1. My kids are in soccer and baseball all summer long. It’s hard to find the time, but their health and fitness is my number 1 priority!

2. I make it to the gym and yoga 4x a week. It’s hard to find the time, but my health and fitness is my number 1 priority!

Gets a little squirmy feeling doesn’t it? It really shouldn’t though. Should you love and cherish your children for the enormous blessing they are? Of course! Does your life change and do you make sacrifices for them daily? Duh! But does your life cease to exist? No! Do you become less of a priority? You shouldn’t. Think about it this way… Does your first born become less important when your second child comes? No. There is just more love! All of the sudden your heart just starts pumping more out. That’s the amazing thing about love- we never run out. We just keep making more.

So trust me, there is enough for you. You might need to practice a little bit. It comes more naturally to some vs. others. But it’s there. Take yourself out on a date, buy yourself a drink, and treat yo self real nice…
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mad at your wifeWhen you are newly weds (and even before that) you get bombarded with advice. Everyone has ‘the secret to a happy marriage’ or ‘how to communicate with your husband’ advice. It is all well-intentioned and it is usually cliche. Possibly the most common (after ‘love like it’s never going to hurt’) is ‘never go to bed angry’.

I used to believe this.

To back up a little, my husband and I don’t fight much. If we do, we usually get over it pretty quickly. There is something to be said for knowing you’re ‘stuck’ with this other person and there is no point in arguing. I mean that in the most romantic way possible of course. 🙂

When the fights do happen though, I always tried to beat them to death. I was desperate to prove how ‘right’ I was and get my husband to say ‘I’m sorry’. It was almost an obsession. And, rightly so- my husband is a master of the fake apology. You know, the ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ and the ‘I’m sorry you took what I said that way’ and the ‘I’m sorry you’re so ridiculously sensitive’. I may have made up that last one, but that is what I was hearing.

Well, on Saturday night, he made me angry. It is not important what it was about, but I wasn’t getting the appreciation or recognition that I wanted. I, naturally, picked a fight. We went back and forth for about 15 minutes. That is officially my husband’s time limit on arguments. At that point, he’ll throw his hands up and declare he’s done.

He went to bed.

I stewed.

Eventually, I went to bed. Angry.

When I woke up in the morning, I just went on with my day. Got my coffee, got the kids going, etc. I remembered being ‘mad’ at my husband, but the details were a little fuzzy. I remembered all of the things I said, but was struggling to remember what the trigger was. He woke up 30 mins. after me and didn’t even acknowledge what took place the night before. He was 100% over it. Not ‘over it’ in the sense that he was hoping I wouldn’t bring it up, but over it like ‘I literally don’t give 2 shits about the fight last night’. I found myself studying him for a minute and marveling at the man-brain. I was like a discovery channel zoologist. “You see the male brain moves on as if nothing has transpired.” So simple.

This is only half insult. The other half is me being jealous of the simplicity. Men typically will tell you what they think. They typically mean what they say. They tend not to over think in the way that women do. This is good for their own sanity, but gets them in trouble with us, often. We want them to solve the mystery that is the female brain. We want them to know what to say and when to say it. We have oddly high expectations for their simplistic male minds.

All I needed to do was to explain to my husband that I was feeling a little under-appreciated and ask him for some words of affirmation. He would have likely obliged. Sure, you could argue that I shouldn’t have to ask for it, but who are we kidding?

So, back to going to bed angry… I went to bed mad, woke up slightly irritated, and then over it by the time I finished my coffee. This may not work for your bigger problems, recurring themes, or unresolved issues, but for the little things it could be just what the doctor ordered. Nothing seems as bad after you sleep on it. When you force an argument to keep going, you start reaching, projecting, compounding…. A fight about putting laundry away turns into ‘you never appreciate me’, to ‘you don’t spend enough time with my family’, to ‘you’ve never really loved me!’

We have all seen this happen. We have all been a part of a fight where we couldn’t remember why it started. All we know is- we are pissed! This is our ego. This is the voice in the back of our head that says, “me being ‘right’ is more important than having peace”. I don’t know about you, but I would much rather be at peace and be happy and be in love than be ‘right’.

So, the next time you find yourself fighting, sleep on it. See how important it still is in the morning.

Anyways, that is my advice for the week… Take what you will. Consider reading the 5 Love Languages. It is awesome. Good read for you and your hubby (If you can get him to join you! But, I’ll save that for another post….)

couples feetIf you open any magazine, turn on any sitcom, or talk to any group of men, you will hear the same complaint- their wives/girlfriends never want to have sex. It’s always ‘something wrong with the women’ too. It’s never the men trying to figure out what he needs to do differently to engage her. But, that’s what happens in long-term relationships, right?! That is part of getting older, right?! But, I wonder: Does it have to?

Unlike most of the posts that I write, this one is for the men. So, women, share this with your men. And, men, read up! I’m going to try and get you laid. 🙂

First we need to look at the reasons your girl is giving you when she is saying no:
1. She is too tired
2. She is too busy (which makes her too tired)
3. She is not in the mood
4. She has a head ache
5. She’s lying!

Now, I am not saying these are all lies. There is a lot of validity in these reasons. We (females) just don’t want “it” as much as you men. And, we ARE tired! But if your relationship is lacking, there may be something you can do about it.

This list is probably a little more accurate than what she is telling you and here’s what you can do about it.

1. She is too tired or too busy: Like I said, some of these are legit excuses. You want to have more sex with your wife? Make her less tired and busy! Help her with the cleaning, laundry, errands, etc. You can stop on your way home and get diapers! Don’t wait for her to ask either. Volunteer! Offer to cook or get dinner 1x per week so she doesn’t have to cook. Take over one of her ‘jobs’ (i.e. the bills, dog walking, bath time, etc.). There has to be something she is willing to unload. Take the kids out of the house on Saturday morning or tell her to leave! The less tired/busy/stressed, the more nookie.

2. She doesn’t feel sexy or desirable: Men CLEARLY don’t need to feel sexy to want to have sex. Women are different. If we feel fat or bloated or think are boobs are saggy or we haven’t showered or ______________(insert any of the 1,000 insecurities your lady is currently living with), we are not in ‘the mood’. Make sure your wife knows how good you think she looks- don’t assume- make sure she knows. Lay it on thick! Give her compliments, smack her ass while she is cooking, NOTICE when she loses 5 pounds, or send a flirty text (“I can’t stop thinking about how you looked in the shower this morning!”). Just make sure you do it in a loving way. You don’t want to be the equivalent of a guy whistling from construction site. And- warning- balance this with #3.

3. She doesn’t feel loved or cared for: I know, it’s not easy keeping a woman happy! This one is important though. Watching ESPN all night while monitoring your brackets on the lap top (Brent is currently saying, “you don’t know me!), and then at 9:30 looking at your lady and saying, “Wanna go upstairs?” winky face, is not going to cut it. Ignoring your wife all night will not lead to sex! Ask her about her day and actually LISTEN to her answer, cuddle on the couch without grabbing her boobs, give her a compliment when it can’t possibly lead to sex (i.e. Tell her how sexy she looks while she is on her way out the door in the morning), spend quality time with her, send her a text telling her that you are thinking about her- we love that shit! Show her some affection you jerk!

4. She only feels like a mom: “Moms” don’t like having sex. “Women” love having sex! Women need time away from her kids; women need ‘brain space’ away from their kids. We need a separate identity: friend, wife, etc. Your wife needs to go on dates (with you or not, your choice), she needs to go out with friends, etc. If the only identity your wife has is ‘mommy’- good luck. And, don’t just encourage her to do it, actually make it easy. Tell her you don’t mind staying home this weekend, arrange a baby sitter, plan the date, or take your kids to your parents house every Tuesday. She doesn’t need to add “plan a date night” to her to-do list. And, for the love of god, don’t act clueless when she is gone! She should NOT have to worry about you and the kids; you can handle it.

5. She’d rather…. read a book, take a bath, and watch the Biggest Loser. Ouch! I know, it’s hard to hear. Sometimes we really would rather watch NCIS. But, we might want to watch TV because we are tired (see #1). Or….maybe it’s because it’s not very exciting lately. Ouch again! But, let me ask you a question gentlemen: why do YOU think 50 Shades of Grey was so popular? It sure as shit wasn’t the writing! We would all like a little more passion, a little more excitement, and a little more….weirdness. You know what I mean- lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Sweet, romantic love is only gonna get your sex life so far. Ask her what she wants (give her wine first). Tell her what you want (drink whiskey first). Read a bood about how to please her. I promise you that if it is better, you’ll have it more often.

There, now you know our secrets men. Use this information for good.

Ladies: give your man a shot. Men are much more affectionate and helpful around the house when they are having regular sex. It’s like training a puppy. Positive reinforcement for good behavior! 🙂

Last night on Candysbrain blog facebook page, I posted a survey. I asked people to vote on the subject for my next blog. The choices were health and fitness, sex and relationships, family/mommy hood, or ‘other’. The winner was sex and relationships. I was trying to brainstorm a way to make this topic light and fun, so I thought I would develop a challenge for all you married folks out there (or long-term relationships). Sex should be fun and be frequent. And, we’re all grown-ups here, right?

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Everyone always talks about how people who are married never have sex. And, if they do it’s because they are trying to get pregnant. Also, if we were all honest with ourselves, we are not having 50 shades sex with our husbands (btw, if you are- I did NOT know that about you! I’m shocked! And impressed!) This should be fun. Make your spouse read it too so everyone knows the rules.

Over the next week, here is your challenge:

  • Have sex at least 3 times
  • At least one time has to be between Monday and Thursday (can’t save it all up for the weekend)
  • At least one time has to be somewhere other than the bedroom
  • The woman has to initiate at least 2 of the encounters
  • At least 1 of the sessions has to happen before 2pm

So, get creative. Enjoy each other. We are so good at ‘playing’ with our kids and ‘playing’ with our friends, but are serious with our spouses. Your homework: Go play with each other.

Oh, and when you’re done- you should tell us all about it 😉

My 5 year wedding anniversary is tomorrow. I have been trying to think of how to celebrate the special occasion. What should I get him for a gift? What can we do for a special date? I have such an amazing husband I just really wanted to find a way to make this date special. And, considering that we both forgot our anniversary last year I felt some pressure.

I did research online and the tradition is to go on a vacation or to give a gift of wood. Well, vacation is not going to happen and that leaves wood. I can’t say what I decided on because Brent will read this, but I thought I would also honor him by dedicating this post to appreciating him. So, without further ado, here is why I love my husband.

1. He is really one of the nicest people in the world. I honestly would be shocked if I heard that someone did NOT like him. Plenty of people don’t like me, but Brent is different. He is just kind. Even dogs and babies love him.

2. He is a great father. He is engaged and capable. He is always there for his kids. He is silly, and stern, and loving, and supportive.

3. He gives me lingering kisses in the morning. I have to say that even when I am in a hurry and pushing him away, I love this time. It is a good reminder, before I start my day, that I am loved.

4. He can always get the baby to fall asleep. 2 minutes on daddy’s chest- snoozeville.

5. He thinks I am funny. I could not be happy with someone who didn’t laugh at my jokes. Maybe sometimes he is laughing AT me, but that’s okay too.

6. He never minds. What I mean by that is he is so laid back that nothing ever gets him worked up. You’re going to be 15 min late? I don’t mind. You’re going out with friends tonight? I don’t mind. I’m on my own for dinner? I don’t mind. (But, he does mind if you don’t use a turn signal. Look out!)

7. He’s a guy’s guy, but girls love him too. He can talk sports all night, but could also communicate with my friends. Some “Bro’s” come off as meat heads, but Brent can get along with anyone.

8. He treats me as an equal partner. He doesn’t think his job, time, wants/needs are more important than mine. We are in this together.

9. He tells me he loves me everyday. He says things all the time that let me know how he feels. He’ll say something like, “I’m glad we are married” out of nowhere and it makes me smile.

10. He ignores me all the time. I love and hate this one, but when I tell him to stop tickling Will because it’s bed time- he ignores me. When I tell him to stop throwing Ellis up in the air- he ignores me.

Oh, and just one more..

11. He does the dishes! (He is doing them right now)

Wouldn’t it be cool if those of you who know Brent chimed in? Why do you love Brent? Comment below.