Tag Archive: Sex


FullSizeRender (4)The other day, as I am getting ready for work, I looked down at the shit-show that is my bathroom sink. I mean, every surface covered! Makeup, bobby pins, hair-styling waxy stuff, face lotion, you name it. And this is coming from someone with no hair that wears little makeup! As I am noticing all my ‘stuff’, my husband walks in and swipe swipe- deodorant, brush brush- clean teeth, kiss kiss- off to work. Jerk. So, I decided it was time to write down my thoughts on the ridiculous double standards our society has for men and women.

Makeup:

Men- Good job on that face! Don’t change a thing…seriously!

Women- You better fix that shit or no one will ever love you. We’re gonna need you to spend about $1,000 a year on ‘product’. Men like you to be pretty and soft.

Clothes:

Men- Pants? Check! Shirt? Check! Brown shoes? Check! Black shoes? Check!

Women- Follow trends, but not too closely. Dress pretty, but not too flashy. Show some skin, but don’t be a tramp. Oh, and get some shoes that push you up on the balls of your feet and walk around like that all day. Men love that.

Reproduction:

Men- Yay sex!

Women- Periods, cramps, pregnancy, stretch marks, delivery, breast feeding, and default parent for the rest of your life.

Parenting:

Men- Where’s mom?

Women- Mom, mommy, mom, mommy, mama, mama, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hair:

Men- Having hair in places where your hair grows is not only awesome, it’s manly! Don’t change a thing.

Women- Even though that is where your hair literally grows out of your body, you’re gonna need to fix that shit. Preferably by ripping it out by the roots with hot wax. Wait wait… you’re not done -turn around and bend over this table.

Sounds about right. Did I miss anything??

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Are you like me?
Mommy Monster

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couples feetIf you open any magazine, turn on any sitcom, or talk to any group of men, you will hear the same complaint- their wives/girlfriends never want to have sex. It’s always ‘something wrong with the women’ too. It’s never the men trying to figure out what he needs to do differently to engage her. But, that’s what happens in long-term relationships, right?! That is part of getting older, right?! But, I wonder: Does it have to?

Unlike most of the posts that I write, this one is for the men. So, women, share this with your men. And, men, read up! I’m going to try and get you laid. ūüôā

First we need to look at the reasons your girl is giving you when she is saying no:
1. She is too tired
2. She is too busy (which makes her too tired)
3. She is not in the mood
4. She has a head ache
5. She’s lying!

Now, I am not saying these are all lies. There is a lot of validity in these reasons. We (females) just don’t want “it” as much as you men. And, we ARE tired! But if your relationship is lacking, there may be something you can do about it.

This list is probably a little more accurate than what she is telling you and here’s what you can do about it.

1. She is too tired or too busy: Like I said, some of these are legit excuses. You want to have more sex with your wife? Make her less tired and busy! Help her with the cleaning, laundry, errands, etc. You can stop on your way home and get diapers! Don’t wait for her to ask either. Volunteer! Offer to cook or get dinner 1x per week so she doesn’t have to cook. Take over one of her ‘jobs’ (i.e. the bills, dog walking, bath time, etc.). There has to be something she is willing to unload. Take the kids out of the house on Saturday morning or tell her to leave! The less tired/busy/stressed, the more nookie.

2. She doesn’t feel sexy or desirable: Men CLEARLY don’t need to feel sexy to want to have sex. Women are different. If we feel fat or bloated or think are boobs are saggy or we haven’t showered or ______________(insert any of the 1,000 insecurities your lady is currently living with), we are not in ‘the mood’. Make sure your wife knows how good you think she looks- don’t assume- make sure she knows. Lay it on thick! Give her compliments, smack her ass while she is cooking, NOTICE when she loses 5 pounds, or send a flirty text (“I can’t stop thinking about how you looked in the shower this morning!”). Just make sure you do it in a loving way. You don’t want to be the equivalent of a guy whistling from construction site. And- warning- balance this with #3.

3. She doesn’t feel loved or cared for: I know, it’s not easy keeping a woman happy! This one is important though. Watching ESPN all night while monitoring your brackets on the lap top (Brent is currently saying, “you don’t know me!), and then at 9:30 looking at your lady and saying, “Wanna go upstairs?” winky face, is not going to cut it. Ignoring your wife all night will not lead to sex! Ask her about her day and actually LISTEN to her answer, cuddle on the couch without grabbing her boobs, give her a compliment when it can’t possibly lead to sex (i.e. Tell her how sexy she looks while she is on her way out the door in the morning), spend quality time with her, send her a text telling her that you are thinking about her- we love that shit! Show her some affection you jerk!

4. She only feels like a mom: “Moms” don’t like having sex. “Women” love having sex! Women need time away from her kids; women need ‘brain space’ away from their kids. We need a separate identity: friend, wife, etc. Your wife needs to go on dates (with you or not, your choice), she needs to go out with friends, etc. If the only identity your wife has is ‘mommy’- good luck. And, don’t just encourage her to do it, actually make it easy. Tell her you don’t mind staying home this weekend, arrange a baby sitter, plan the date, or take your kids to your parents house every Tuesday. She doesn’t need to add “plan a date night” to her to-do list. And, for the love of god, don’t act clueless when she is gone! She should NOT have to worry about you and the kids; you can handle it.

5. She’d rather…. read a book, take a bath, and watch the Biggest Loser. Ouch! I know, it’s hard to hear. Sometimes we really would rather watch NCIS. But, we might want to watch TV because we are tired (see #1). Or….maybe it’s because it’s not very exciting lately. Ouch again! But, let me ask you a question gentlemen: why do YOU think 50 Shades of Grey was so popular? It sure as shit wasn’t the writing! We would all like a little more passion, a little more excitement, and a little more….weirdness. You know what I mean- lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Sweet, romantic love is only gonna get your sex life so far. Ask her what she wants (give her wine first). Tell her what you want (drink whiskey first). Read a bood about how to please her. I promise you that if it is better, you’ll have it more often.

There, now you know our secrets men. Use this information for good.

Ladies: give your man a shot. Men are much more affectionate and helpful around the house when they are having regular sex. It’s like training a puppy. Positive reinforcement for good behavior! ūüôā

Last night on Candysbrain¬†blog facebook page, I posted a survey. I asked people to vote on the subject for my next blog. The choices were health and fitness, sex and relationships, family/mommy hood, or ‘other’. The winner was sex and relationships. I was trying to brainstorm a way to make this topic¬†light and fun, so I thought I would develop a challenge for all you married folks out there (or long-term relationships). Sex should be fun and be frequent. And, we’re all grown-ups here, right?

kissing couple

Everyone always talks about how people who are married never have sex. And, if they do it’s because they are trying to get pregnant. Also, if we were all honest with ourselves, we are not having 50 shades sex with our husbands (btw, if you are- I did NOT know that about you! I’m shocked! And impressed!) This should be fun. Make your spouse read it too so everyone knows the rules.

Over the next week, here is your challenge:

  • Have sex at least 3 times
  • At least one time has to be between Monday and Thursday (can’t save it all up for the weekend)
  • At least one time has to be somewhere other than the bedroom
  • The woman has to initiate at least 2 of the encounters
  • At least 1 of the sessions has to happen before 2pm

So, get creative. Enjoy each other. We are so good at ‘playing’ with our kids and ‘playing’ with our friends, but are serious with our spouses. Your homework: Go play with each other.

Oh, and when you’re done- you should tell us all about it ūüėČ

Yesterday I pull into the grocery store parking lot and park next to this tiny little car. It looked like one of those cars that may have been fast like 12 years ago, but now it’s just a POS with a big spoiler. Inside the car is a guy in his late 20’s, smoking a cigarette, and wearing sweat pants (mind you, it’s about 2:30 in the afternoon). This guy is unshaven and easily 30 pounds over weight. Now, I doubt I would normally¬†have ever even noticed this guy. I would have just breezed by. But, I couldn’t help but notice his bumper sticker: “No Fat Chicks”. What a douche! Looking back, I wish I would have taken a picture of him to show with this post, but hind sight is a mother…

Who does this guy think he is?! Now I am about to go off on a little rant here so bear with me. If you are a nice guy with realistic standards for women and have a healthy dose of self awareness, don’t worry- I’m not talking to you. On the other hand, if you are a single guy out there, over weight (yes, even that beer belly you’ve acquired since college that nobody is talking about),¬† and/or balding, but still manage to have expectations of what you need your girl to look like, here is your wake up call.

beer belly

Now don’t get me wrong, us ladies certainly like to look at the boys from magic mike and we drool over pro-football players, and we dream about the models in magazines. What we don’t do is expect our men to fit this image. That would be crazy! This is real life and people don’t often look like that. I mean… I do… but we’re not talking about me ūüôā . You are not going to find Jessica Biel. She dates rich guys with 6 packs. You are not going to find Erin Andrews. She dates rich guys with 6 packs who play pro sports.

Enough is enough. 99% of us don’t look amazing in a bikini. 99% of you don’t look amazing in briefs. Women now-a-days are expected to have boobs like Sophia Vergara, an ass like Kim Kardashian (btw, I kind of hope she gains 98 pounds), a face like Jessica Alba (I was going to say Scarlett but didn’t want to google how to spell her last name), clean like Martha Stewart, cook like Rachel Ray, and follow sports like Sage Steel (has to be made up name, right?).

Guys, you are lucky we even let you touch us. We are pretty, and soft, and we smell good. You are lucky we don’t just date each other. Get it together.

And for those of you like Mr. Trashtastic with the bumper sticker who feel the need to put other people down because they don’t fit your simple minded view of what is attractive, you can go f yourself. I know I sound angry…because I am angry! You should be too. This guy is insulting half the population from afar every day he is out on the road. People that struggle with their weight, who know exactly what they look like, and are minding their own business, stop at a¬†red light and BAM! Insult. What a dick face.

Those of you that know me, know that I have a sense of humor. I find offensive things funny all the time. I am offensive a lot of the time! But if you are going to offend, you need to be funny. No Fat Chicks is not funny. It’s stupid, it’s cliche, it’s immature, and it’s obnoxious.

Men, you’ve been warned.

First of all I would like to say sorry Mom. I am not used to the fact that I am a married grown up who has a mom that reads her blog (and a mother-in-law, and maybe an aunt or two, and neighbors, etc).

I don’t know about you, but this is a hot topic in my household. I introduced this concept to my husband a while ago for his benefit. I explained that most nights there is a ‘sex window’.¬†By definition, the sex window is¬†the small window of time that sex is actually a¬†possibility. The window’s size is directly¬†correlated to how busy the couple is, how many kids they have, and how wonderful the husband is behaving. So, like a said, a small window.

A good example is when you first get home, you’re not too tired yet, you just poured a glass of wine…. the window is open. After the kids go to bed, your husband may have a good 15 minutes to make his move before the window slams shut and everyone waits til Friday.

The Kinsey Institute says that approx 26% of (approx. 30 year old) married couples are having sex 2-3 times per week.

Ladies, imagine if your husband told you ‘no thanks’ half the time you asked. Poor guys.

I am a firm believer that we should all be having more sex. Now, this doesn’t mean that I always heed my own advice, but we really should. Every single doctor, sexpert, book, magazine, and random blogger like me¬†says it– so why aren’t we doing it? We are tired, busy, in ruts, frustrated, and we don’t communicate. We all just got done reading 50 Shades of Grey, we are all in love with Christian Grey, and we all wish that¬†we had¬†that passion at home. Why can’t we?

So, here is my call to action. Let’s have more sex! Let’s have better sex! What is more important-¬†America’s Got Talent, or a happy marriage? When the sex window is open, tell your husband. Better yet, make a move. Give the poor guy a break. He has probably initiated the last 34 times (except that one night after your friends wedding¬†when you had 13 glasses of champaign- you know who you are).

Besides doing it more, we¬†should do it better. Pour a bottle of wine, have a talk with your husband. Without me¬†getting too weird, have an actual conversation about sex. If you are nervous, don’t be. He’ll love it and it’s your husband. Me and my husband were just talking about the sex window and he proposed new ‘Summer Hours’. Apparently day light savings time applies to sex as well.

Bottom line, you are the only thing standing in the way of a better sex life. Here’s you’re homework for the month: have sex 1 more time a week than you currently are. Tell your husband when the window in open. Have fun.

More On Christian!

 Okay, I feel like we need to talk about our obsession with Christian Grey. Obviously we are all swooning. Everywhere I go I hear women talking about Christian. (By the way, we are all now on a first name basis with Mr. Grey.) So, what is it that is fascinating all of us?

This man is self-admittedly¬†’50 shades of Fucked up’.¬†So to say that he¬†comes with a LOT of baggage is an understatement. He has treated women poorly his whole adult life. He has beaten and punished women (yes, I know it was consensual) and in exchange has provided them with gifts and cars and clothes. They had to follow a ridiculous set of rules and could never achieve¬†a close and loving relationship. And, after he decided he was done, he would move on to another submissive. When I say it like this, he sounds horrible. No self-respecting female in the world thinks that sounds good. So, back to my original question: What is it about this man that is making us all crazy?!

Is it the money?:¬†This might be a small part of it. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I mentally roll my eyes at Ana for being so reluctant to accept the lifestyle. “Oh, the house keeping and cooking and shopping is too much for you? Suck it up buttercup!” Who doesn’t want to vacation on giant yachts¬†and have a second home in Colorado, etc etc etc. I think all women (even us feminists) dream of a man/partner that can provide this kind of life for us. This does NOT mean we can’t get there on our own, but deep down the life that Christian can provide sounds pretty darn good.

Is it the sex?:¬†Okay, this is probably a big part of it. We all read the book and are enraptured by the passion in which these two ‘make love’. It’s like a dirty fairy tale-¬†and they fucked happily ever after. But, beyond that, these two are doing things that most of us don’t do, don’t discuss, don’t try. Just like Ana, even some of the stuff that shocks us- intrigues us. Not to mention, the author describes Christian as a perfect physical specimen who has every possible skill a man would need.

So- to sum up so far an insanely rich man who is amazing and adventurous in bed who might also be the most handsome man on the planet. Check.

Is it because we all want to be the 1 girl that can save the man?:¬†In my opinion this might be the biggest part yet. Don’t we all desire to be that one special someone that¬†changes everything? They one girl that¬†could make him change his ways. The one girl that can save him from his destructive lifestyle and turn him into the man we want. That is why we are attracted to ‘bad boys’. We want the adventure of the bad behavior and secretly we think that we are the one thing that he has been waiting for all this time.

Is it because we want to be loved that desperately?: Yes! Of course it is. I want to be loved the way he loves Ana. And, yes, I know it’s dysfunctional. I don’t care. I want a man to be obsessed with me! To think of me every second and to worry about my well-being.

Is it realistic-¬†no.¬†Does it matter-¬†no. Even though this is fun to talk about, what we need to realize is that it’s fictional. This would not work for me-¬†I am way too opinionated and competitive. I don’t think I have a submissive bone in my body.¬†It doesn’t mean that I don’t also secretly love Christian (well I guess it’s not a secret any more).¬†But, it sure makes for fun reading.

What about you? Why do you love Christian? What did I miss?